Friday, December 07, 2018

Updates

Hi,

Every once in a while I check the Chameleons' website to make sure all is well. Mostly this is a case of ticking a few update boxes, and the software does the hard work. Dare I say, as someone who works in IT, that this is how it should be. Updates arrive and work on our phones, computers (mostly), and of late, televisions, and quite probably cars.

What's this got to do with being trans? Well, there are times when an update needs a bit of work. It's not a case of tick a box and then all is well. I suppose the equivalent to slipping into your favourite outfit or applying your favourite lippy: it's all very much a gentle stroll.

A few years back...
But, there are updates that take a bit more time. Uploading files, heeding the advice of make sure you have a backup, and, of course, time to sit down and read the instructions. For this, there's a bit of The Fear. What if I mess it up? What if something goes wrong? Who can I call for help?

Those fears could, I think, be easily applied to stepping out of the house dressed or attending a trans social for the first time. Fear, well, sometimes it serves a purpose: sharpens our perception, focused the minds, and - perhaps most importantly - lets us pause to think on what we are doing.

I don't think we should let fear control us and stop us. Yes, maybe listening to those points of concern, ticking some of them off, and ultimately, keep going forward. The big updates to the sites need to be done, and none of us get out of the house by hovering by the front door, feeling unable to get out.

So, feel the fear, take a deep breath, think, and set forth. You might surprise yourself.

Now, let's get these updates done. ;-)

Take care,
Lynn

Friday, November 30, 2018

Looking

Hi,

A few days ago I was driving to work and as I queued in traffic, I noticed from the passenger side, a woman coaxing her hair into style. She did have a particularly immaculate long bob, and - as per that incident being behind the hair flick incident - I felt my heart sink a little, and the stab of dysphoria.

But, I'm not here to say oh, woe is me. It was more a moment of, well, good for her. I hope she's feeling great. Instead, I found myself reflecting on what might cause such feelings, and was it actual dysphoria, or just regret? Was it even regret? Yes, this one of those introspective posts, so if this is not your bag, there's plenty of quality trans blogs listed. :-)

Still here? Okay, so I'm going to say it wasn't a feeling of regret. It's not that I've done something wrong, or not done something that I should have. Those of a techno persuasion may wish to hum that particular track from yesteryear ;-)

A frame around the past?
I didn't feel sad, but I certainly felt a slight pang that there was a situation I would not find myself in. Certainly with recently close-cropped hair, - yes, my hair has headed south for the winter, and, indeed, spring, autumn, and summer! :-) - the idea of my own locks ever reaching that length (plus, not at my bloke's age of mid 40s) are not to be.

Thing is, for most of the time, I don't mind. I'm okay with being a guy 99% of the time and - in general - such things don't bother me. Perhaps it's a feeling of bittersweet nostalgia? I have had long hair, and, when I did like having it in that period of my life.

Perhaps, like all things that have had their time, or that are no longer here, there is that wish that looking back, maybe, and even just for a bit, you could experience them again.

Still, the sun shone as the traffic moved, and once I'd parked up, it was off for a very pleasant walk through some urban woods - not an oxymoron - and off to the first appointment of the day. It was a moment to enjoy, as the light fell through the rich autumn decked trees, and think of the now. No need to look forward or back, but just to appreciate.

Take care,
Lynn