Friday, March 15, 2019

Making hay while the sun shines

Hi,

Earlier on I was queueing patiently - as is the done thing in Dear Old England - while waiting to get a cup of tea. My eyes wandered along the decor and I noticed one of those nicely painted quotes that do the rounds. The painting style, that is, not the quote :-)
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
~ Mahatma Gandhi
I was struck by the apparent opposites of the statement: quite possibly the purpose, but I due to a lack of tea, my mind wasn't yet fully up to speed. At least, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it :-)

It made me think about the Radio 4 programme - In Our Time - on Authenticity I listened to the day before. One of the guest speakers had said something along the lines of when you realise you won't be here forever, you know that if you want to change, you need to because if you never change, your time will run out. Okay, there are many more years on the old clock - here's hoping! - but if you never do anything, then well, Fate and eventually Time will catch up with you.

Both thoughts made me think back to last night. I'd arrived slightly earlier than usual, by skipping tea, but staying to help the Ever Lovely Mrs J prep the meal. The Centre has had new doors fitted - automatic ones, no less - so that means the foyer is a lot warmer than usual.

While the UK weather is doing its best to remove any new leaves from the trees and keep fencers in business, we do seem to be moving towards spring. With that in mind, and with New Improved Smooth Pins, I didn't want to do leggings or opaques. Hell, I've come this far, yeah? :-)

To that end, I'd been out earlier in the week and bought some nude heels. Yeah, I know I'm late to the party, but my reasoning is that they don't work unless you have nude tights. Which in turn, need bare pins. I've tried over the years to fake the look, but it doesn't quite work. Barely black or chocolate works, but not skin tone.

I wanted to do something in Spring colours, so not black. Don't get me wrong: black's been a faithful friend over the years. It's stylish, slimming, and classic: I mean, what's not to like? But, I think you can have too much of a good thing and a new season made me want to experiment a bit. I look online around what to wear with a red skirt helped me narrow down my colour choices.

So it was that the red skirt from Christmas, last week's vest top, and a very old mint green wrap cardigan that somehow came together to form my outfit last night. I felt... I felt like I was as I was supposed to be when I'm in Lynn mode. I felt really happy with how I looked. By luck I stumbled on a Pinterest article about foundation first then concealer, and that really worked for me.

As I sat and talked with everyone last night - and I'm really very grateful for the heart to hear chat last night, ladies - my hand rested on my knee and I was conscious of the lack of hair lurking under thick tights. It just seemed right somehow. What's odd is that in Richard mode when I wear a favourite shirt, boots, and jeans for work; I get the same feeling of being me. It's like a level of peace or a sense that I'm okay as I am. How is it I can have two (hopefully) very different appearances and yet I can be okay with both at different times? How does that work?

Coming back to the quote in the cafe: how does this apply? Well, I am making the most of my smooth pins before the hair returns. I'm finding that having them makes me feel more okay about who - and to an extent, what - I am. So I'm enjoying the moments that come and trying not to worry about what might be. Perhaps if I do that, I will be mindful of the good things I have.

Equally, I know that I need to learn from the experience. Understanding that there is a risk associated with it, maybe learning more self-control, and being able to look back - hence the want of a photo (thanks Val) - to be reminded that sometimes, I don't just feel okay, but that I feel pretty.

Mind you, as I said to Diane, Nicole, and Val last night: the last time I shaved my legs was twenty years ago. I think that's quite a gap of time! Diane said it showed quite some resolve. I guess looking at the positive, I did manage to fight it for that long. Isn't everyone allowed a slip-up now and then? Maybe I need to look at what I did manage to put off doing, rather than worry about the fact that I stopped fighting for a spell.

Take care,
Lynn

PS: An anonymous poster was kind enough to share part of her journey with her trans husband. If there are any more partners out there, I would like to know how you keep things going, if you've any advice you'd like to share, and what your take is on things. No names will be shared - unless you want that. I'm not quite sure what form the article would take, but if you're interested, you can use the contact form on this site.

Friday, March 08, 2019

Plodding on

Hi,

Well, the good news is that things are ticking over. Much as I still feel the guilt around what I've done, what I've noticed is that I'm calmer at home and at work. It feels a bit as if something has unlocked with me, or perhaps, that the flame of anger has turned down to a low heat. Given I can't go back or magically recarpet my pins, I'm going to have to accept, face the consequences, and hope for the best. But, enough about that.

Blogging, for me at least, is a bit of a strange beast. Let's skip over the innuendo around a strange beast's bits though, eh? ;-)

I think I've posted at various times about sharing and connecting with people, and then there's the question around what do you write about?

Okay, there are the usual What Lynn Did Next kinda things: nights out at Chams, Xmas party, getting out, etc. Then there are the introspective posts, You Are Awesome,  and What Do You Think, Dear Reader? ones too. Other times - like the earlier post - are a riot of emotions, as I write to try and make sense of what's going on in my head. Clearly, that doesn't always quite work. But, I will say this: I try to write from what I feel to be right. Not as in correct but authentically. There are times when everything is A OK, times when things just are, and there are scary times too, but they all happen, and I write about them here. Life can be complicated, and I make no secret of that being as true for yet another trans person, as it is for more standard gender folk.

So, here's the question? How do you keep a blog going? I mean, it's been a while right? I don't say that as a brag, but just an observation. Feel free to riff on the line never has so much been said about so little ;-)

The practicality is you write when you can. When a thought comes to you, write it down in what comes to mind. Frequently that's the killer, not having some grand plan or great well of inspiration. Last week, and for some odd reason, I had three ideas and I took a moment to add them to Google Keep (NB: other note taking apps and solutions are also available ;-) ).

But, the above brainstorm is pretty rare, as most of the time, I just have to wing it. Maybe that's the other part of it: persistence... and a low quality threshold ;-) The thing with that last quip is the old IT cliché: done is better than perfect.

That's pretty much it. I was going to make a joke about a delusion that people are interested, but in honesty, I think that would be rude to those of you you are kind enough to comment and interact, so I won't. I do think that you write for yourself and at least that's authentic. Maybe folk who want the same will read it too.

If you feel differently, just let me know.

Take care,
Lynn