Friday, November 30, 2018

Looking

Hi,

A few days ago I was driving to work and as I queued in traffic, I noticed from the passenger side, a woman coaxing her hair into style. She did have a particularly immaculate long bob, and - as per that incident being behind the hair flick incident - I felt my heart sink a little, and the stab of dysphoria.

But, I'm not here to say oh, woe is me. It was more a moment of, well, good for her. I hope she's feeling great. Instead, I found myself reflecting on what might cause such feelings, and was it actual dysphoria, or just regret? Was it even regret? Yes, this one of those introspective posts, so if this is not your bag, there's plenty of quality trans blogs listed. :-)

Still here? Okay, so I'm going to say it wasn't a feeling of regret. It's not that I've done something wrong, or not done something that I should have. Those of a techno persuasion may wish to hum that particular track from yesteryear ;-)

A frame around the past?
I didn't feel sad, but I certainly felt a slight pang that there was a situation I would not find myself in. Certainly with recently close-cropped hair, - yes, my hair has headed south for the winter, and, indeed, spring, autumn, and summer! :-) - the idea of my own locks ever reaching that length (plus, not at my bloke's age of mid 40s) are not to be.

Thing is, for most of the time, I don't mind. I'm okay with being a guy 99% of the time and - in general - such things don't bother me. Perhaps it's a feeling of bittersweet nostalgia? I have had long hair, and, when I did like having it in that period of my life.

Perhaps, like all things that have had their time, or that are no longer here, there is that wish that looking back, maybe, and even just for a bit, you could experience them again.

Still, the sun shone as the traffic moved, and once I'd parked up, it was off for a very pleasant walk through some urban woods - not an oxymoron - and off to the first appointment of the day. It was a moment to enjoy, as the light fell through the rich autumn decked trees, and think of the now. No need to look forward or back, but just to appreciate.

Take care,
Lynn

4 comments:

  1. OK, I'm a bit slow today. What's the track referenced in paragraph 3?

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    1. "Daddy? What does regret mean?"

      "Well son, the funny thing about regret is...."

      It's the opening lines from Satan by Orbital.

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  2. I've had a few medium length wigs over the years but none has really suited me. I've dreamed of long hair all my life, back to my early childhood. I recently purchased a rather expensive shoulder length bob, and I love it! Just wish I could grow my own locks out.

    I do get the dysphoria, Lynn!

    Calie xx

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    1. Sorry to hear you get it too, but the new wig sounds great, Calie. I think those moments where you find the right hairstyle for you are fab.

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