Friday, June 29, 2018

What if, what if, what if?


With the hot weather, the Ever Lovely Mrs J and I will sometimes take an early walk. Part of me worries that the kids will look in the cupboards. Or, more specifically, the cupboard upstairs where I keep all my Lynn things.

Not the skirts, tops, dresses, and whathaveyou that are mixed in with my bloke things. Because, and let's face it, they could be Mrs J's (although we have a different taste in clothes). No, it's the wigs, the box of tights, shapewear, and heels that their mum has never worn.

When I paint my toes and it's a few days before I can remove the evidence, what if someone sees?

When I go to Chams or give a talk, what if I meet someone I know?

What if this heatwave continues? How do I balance 100% bloke with needing to express all sides of me?

What if someone sees me when I'm browsing through cosmetics or buying a new top?

What if, what if, what if.....

What if I'd never taken a step outside? What if I'd never been honest with Mrs J? What if I'd never dared start this blog or if I'd not gone to Chameleons?

I'd be poorer for the lack of all that. Poorer for not growing and learning. Finding that it's not just okay to be trans, but to understand I get a slightly different view of the world. Not better or worse, just different.

What if, that makes it all okay?

What if, I can understand that much in life isn't forever, but moments to be ignored or enjoyed. The bad and the good.

Take care,

Friday, June 22, 2018



This week on our development course - that's helping others develop, not us (well sorta) - we had a visit from a counsellor. She specialised in getting people to get outside and to join her on walks in the countryside.

As an icebreaker, she asked us to think of our preferred natural habitat. Before you think it, it wasn't swanning about en femme someplace :-) I've said this a few times before on this blog, but my go-to place for tranquillity - either in my head or in the real world - is woodland.

Ideally old woods, with huge trees that reach up to the sky and whose branches splay out to cover the sky that beautiful mix of green.

I was born out in the sticks and the first house that the Ever Lovely Mrs J and I bought, well, it was very much in the city. Yeah, there were a few hedges and a few grass lawns, but that was it. If I leaned close to the window, I could just make out the treetops from a distant park. I think I was surprised at just how much I missed the countryside.

To stand in woodland and see those colours; to hear birdsong; to feel the breeze on my skin; to smell either the soft scent of pine or the rich dampness of leaves; to me, that's to let go. Not to think, but just to witness and let it all drift by. Those moments of peace, I think, are to be treasured.

So now, well, we're lucky that we live out in the countryside once again. Woods aren't far and once the rush hour has gone, the view over the fields is quiet. It feels good to be out in nature.

What about you dear reader, where's your place in nature? Woods, sea, lakes, moors, caves, cliffs, fields, deserts?

Take care,

Friday, June 15, 2018

When the wind blows


Back in the mists of time when I started work but did not yet have a car, I cycled to work. Rain or shine, that was me. The only weather that really bugged me was wind. Oddly, I became quite perceptive of the breeze given its effect on my ride to and from home.

So it seems that's the case now I go out. It's not much of an issue when going to Chams as we're inside. Instead, a good breeze merely keeps the place slightly cooler. However, if you're talking in the real world, I find it affects what I wear (no floaty skirts) or where I go (wig in disarray).

Like anyone sporting a dress, there is the risk of a Monroe moment. By that, I don't mean possibly dating a famous politician or drying your undies using the subway vent. No, it's that risk that a quick gust of wind suddenly raises one's hemline to heights no self-respecting lady (part-time or otherwise) would enjoy.

Many years ago I'd gone to a trans-friendly pub in Derby. This was back in the day when Wee Man would be tucked up in bed, so no worries about coming home en femme. Out I stepped into the night and whoosh, in blew the wind and my wrap dress did it's best parachute impression by raising itself rapidly skyward. Luckily for my modesty and the sanity of everyone, no one was about. Not that it's a life lesson I've forgotten.

Now, when the wind blows, I'm a little wiser to its tricks and avoid passing directly by narrow alleys or - if it's really going for it - staying inside. One has standard to keep.... and I don't want to be chasing my wig down the street either. In these shoes? C'mon! :-)

Take care,

Friday, June 08, 2018



That's another working week in the bag. Hello, weekend! :-)

Earlier in the week, a friend recently invited me to a meditation class he was running and I made the effort to go. I'm no guru (no pun intended) but I'm finding it useful, even if I'm not quite as relaxed as I probably could be during each session. Still, at least I'm not nodding off or snoring. Oh, the shame! :-D

So I'm sat knelt on a cushion with my eyes shut. I drift off and just listen to the sounds from outside: birdsong, the wind, and the ripple of water nearby. All quite good and helpful.

As I start to relax more my inner negative voice kicks in and comments about my posture, my weight, that I'm slacking when I could be working, etc. Much as I don't go around saying "I'm brilliant, me", how come there's this voice of negativity running its own troll feed in my head?

I'mm aware I've put some weight on and I'm doing something about it. Equally, I know I'm a tallish chap in his mid-40s, so I'm not sure why pointing out my all to present blokiness right now is useful. Maybe the negativity troll and dysphoria dragon can have a ruck? ;-) Who knows!

As the unwanted grumbling rolled on, I decided to take the tutor's advice and gently bat those thoughts to one side. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn't, but, I left feeling more relaxed than when I went in.

Happy days.

Take care,

Friday, June 01, 2018

Time to move on?


I don't know about you dear reader, but for me, there's nothing quite like a week with your family to help set some perspective.

Where we live is quite the rural idyll and by quirks of geography, we escape much of the rougher weather. With that in mind, the Ever Lovely Mrs J and I have had many dog walks together. Wee Man has had space and time to relax and play his guitar while we're out. Little Miss has entertained herself with gaming or reading. We've been out on day trips and had good times together, so it's been a very pleasant break.

I, perhaps foolishly, checked my work email to remove some of the crap before I go back. There's nothing on fire nor stuff I'll cop for on my return. Yet, I look at the messages and think, does any of this actually matter? There seems to be a lot of busy work and running around, but little to show for it.

Take for example the week before I went. I found out that two of the projects I'd worked on had been canned. Not that I mind; binning them was the right thing to do. My question would be why did we start in the first place? It seems such ideas start from the top and go unchallenged. They creep forward like a glacier, driving things out of the way, trading things within, before grinding slowly to a halt when the momentum runs out.

If I have an *ahem* Bright Idea, the Ever Lovely Mrs J and/or the kids will poke at it and we'll discuss things. If, after some reflection, it's deemed not to be right, we don't plough on regardless. We may try things for a while, but there are few occasions where we refuse to turn back. Not that we're quitters, moreover I think we know when to change our plans.

Maybe it's the return to work blues talking, or maybe it's time for a new scene. I look out of the window and see the beauty of the trees, rolling hills, and fields....

I don't miss the office. In fact, if anything, I would rather spend more time here than sat at a desk. The trick, if you will, is to find something that pays the bills and interests me. I can find the former or the latter; but not both. Gah! Money, money, money.... Still, only a few more decades until retirement eh? ;-)

Take care,