Friday, April 29, 2011

"Nice day for a... white wedding."

Hello dear reader,

Unlike last week, I have managed to remember what day I usually post on. :-) With all these holidays, my internal clock is a little all over the place, but it's been so nice to have the time off. Easter, then Bank Holidays, a day off and today (of course), the big event itself.

Don't worry, I won't go into in-depth sofa-eye-view of Kate & Wills' wedding. The media reporting got on my wick a bit and if I'm really honest, sort of put me off a little. Still, sat on the sofa with the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones, we watched the church service together. Kate's dress was lovely and I wish them well. Talk about media spotlight. Still, take away all the pomp and ceremony, what you have at the end of it are two people who love each other and want to be together.

Mrs J and I did have a cackle at some of the hats and outfits sported by certain individuals. I guess we come back to that old adage of money can't buy you taste. Me-ow. ;-) On the upside, Samantha Cameron looked effortlessly stylish, Posh Spice looked very good and Camilla did her usual trick of looking respectable.

Am I big fan of the Royal Family? Well, I don't think I'd be lining up at early o'clock to catch a glimpse of a gloved hand, but I'd rather have them here than not. To me, there's something very British about having them around.

On to other news, I went to the Doctor's the other day, as it was time for a check-up on the old anti-miserabalist tablets. :-) Despite the dip t'other week, it has been pretty positive from February. Yes, I've felt the touch of Pinker Forces - a bit like the Tranny Force, but not in a nice way - but I'm hopeful it's just the old Black Dog pulling my strings. When I'm cool, I'm fine. Really. I'm reducing the tablets down to 20mg, so I guess we'll see what happens over the next few months.

That leads us on to a night out at Chameleons and usually for me (!!), I could not decide to wear. I have got a wardrobe full of clothes, yet I couldn't quite put my finger on what to outfit to go with. I think the shift in the weather from sunny, to cold, to sunny once again was throwing me. At least, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. :-) In the end, I packed a wrap dress, black leggings, pleated kilt-style skirt, cardy, four pairs of tights (including royal blue), white jeans and a purple top.

Luckily, I arrived early at Chameleons, so I had enough time to try a few things on. The tops didn't quite go with the skirt and it felt too sunny for darker colours. In the end, I went with the white jeans and heeled sandals (see piccie). I did forget my necklace, but I'm always a little worried that I'm overdoing the accessories. I guess this time, I was under-doing it, but hey-ho.

I had a really good chat with friends and by the end of the evening, I'd laughed so much my face hurt a little. I blame Sophie and Maddy for that. Oh, and Sam for being ambushed by an inanimate chair, but that's a story for another day. I passed (gifted?) Alison my magnetic earrings. Thing is, I never wear them because my wig covers my ears and she wears her hair back. A few people stopped to say hi and ask if I was okay and that was touching. That's one of the really good things about Chameleons, we do look out for each other.

Righto, that's me done for another week. Look after yourselves and I hope the weather stays good for you.

Take care,

[ Today's lyric: White Wedding by Billy Idol ]

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"Dark clouds drift away to reveal, the sunshine"


Straight off the bat, I'd like to thank those of you who were kind enough to get in touch last week offering advice or simply the question "are you okay?". I'm a lot better than I was last week. Phew eh? :-) Not to make light of it, although that is very much my way of coping with sh**, is to mock it. The previous week was not a good one and as I look back it at now - with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight - the return of the Black Dog was only temporary. Of course, when you're down in the murk, you can't really see  a way out of it. Perhaps some type of torch would be in order. :-)

No doubt the above episode was brought home by the Client from Hell and - unusually for me - working too hard. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.... Mind you, at least I didn't go postal and run around with an axe. Bright sides eh? :-D Client dealt with the project signed off, that's the last I shall be hearing from that Gingerbread House (and The Witch) for some time.

So what's been going on? Well... not a lot other than good stuff. The dark mood continued into Saturday morning, but playing with the kids in the park, ignoring the work telephone/email and not trying to do anything much, seemed to work well. The proverbial clouds rolled back and lo, the glorious spring sunshine beamed down at me. Chuck in a few early nights, some pleasantly long walks with the dog and I'm feeling much happier. Reasons to be cheerful eh?

Even the Tranny Force appears to be returning slowly. Not in a bad way, I hasten to add. I mean, in darker times - and I know others have said this too me - you can get a touch of Female Envy. That annoying little voice that squeaks why not me? when you see a fab outfit or a girl turned out rather nicely. Now, it's more a case of she looks good and I'm happy for her. Do you get this at all?

It's also the start of the Easter holidays and with a few carefully placed days off, that's extended the break rather well. Partly due to the Royal Wedding. The thing with the latter is I can't really get any excitement up for it. It's two people I don't know tying the knot. Good luck to both of them, but... no, I don't think I'll be watching. Cheers for the day off though. :-)

Take care,

[ Today's lyric: Dark Clouds by Space ]

Friday, April 15, 2011

"Bridges I've been dreaming, are going down,
They're changing my future."

Hey all,

Today, I wanted to write something positive. To be the bearer of good news or a good gag. Neither are in abundance right now and this annoys me. What I want is to be rid of the darkness that tumbles within my head. It robs me of interest and joy; a fug through which I see the world. Disconnected. I have an appointment to see the quack - sorry, doctor - later this month and I think we were going to talk about coming off the happy tablets. Thing is..... I don't think I'm ready for that. Not yet.

Whatever's lurking in my psyche, it hasn't gone away. Sure, the treatment has helped - hell, I'm still here - but I'm *still* not back to how I was. I had  tantalising glimpse of normality a few months ago and those perfectly average times were just what I needed. Not the carefree embrace of happiness, but the regular ebb and flow of average days, some good days and the odd bad day. How things are supposed to be. Just two weeks before my appointment. Let's see what the next few bring eh? :-)

Yet there is, hope. I'd don't have to paste on a smile for the Chams massive. I don't have to lie about feeling okay or battling through it, pushing myself through work to hide from what's going chemically wrong inside. I can be honest with friends there, talk openly and from that, enjoy the simple things: company, laughter, good times. Oddly, a despite previous posts about worrying about not dressing up enough, when I got chance this time around, I just wasn't in the mood. Trannys eh? You just can't please them :-) On the upside, there was no messing around dealing with make-up or worrying about getting my nail varnish off.

So that's it for this time around. Sorry, it's not a happy-go-lucky post, but so it goes. Rough with the smooth.

Take care,

[ Today's lyric: Crush by Pendulum ]

Friday, April 08, 2011

"Incase of upheaval, fundamental movement below,
What's really going on I want to know,
But yo, we don't show on the outside, so slide."

Howdy y'all

As I type, I'm somewhat full of a rather nice tea. That's the second nosh-out in as many days. Not that I'm complaining, I should add. While it might not be so good for the waistline, it most certainly is good for the soul. For the first time in a while, myself and the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones were without the nippers. Wee Man was at a sleep over and Little Miss was at Granny's. So what to do? Well, probably what most middle class farties do: to the gastropub! :-) Glib comments aside, we both had a lovely meal together. I was great not to have to rush back and just relax in each other's company. It's not something we do a lot and I think when you get the chance, it makes it extra special.

Highs and lows at work. Mostly nothing but good news - which is nice. The only proverbial fly in the ointment is one rather stroppy customer. I still find stroppy adults a bit of a conundrum. Sure, there are times when someone really does tick you off, but to keep going off on one? I start to wonder if they need timing out. Yes, I do get annoyed at stuff, but I try not to get into a person's face about it. I know when someone does it to me, it doesn't make me want to go that extra mile, normally I think 'what a numpty' (Ed: or something ruder, but let's move on). Why do folk like that think that by chucking their toys out of the pram, that they'll get their own way? People eh? :-)

Lastly, and on a trans front. I've been mulling over a few thoughts of late. Don't worry, nothing scary. There was a recent radio programme - Radio 4 I think - which featured a discussion about the subconscious and how the 'me' part of the conscious mind seemed to float on top of it. I rather enjoyed the thought (no pun intended) of a raft of personalty atop this complex sea of mental machinery. Ahh, I've got distracted again. Where was I? Oh aye, the point of all this is I wondered what cogs turn within my own head. Which bits drive my behaviour and how much control do I really have of them? Do they control me or are there a few levers I can throw to tip the balance in another direction?

So why mention the above? I had of late been looking at summer fashions. Hell, I'm a tranny and I like pretty outfits. Sometimes you just gotta accept and roll with it. ;-) But this time.... this time around, it wasn't so much that's nice, how much is it. Oh, nevermind, but more I can't wear that. Clothes that look best with bare legs or shorter sleeves that won't work with Wookie feet or fully carpetted armpits. To be honest, it got a bit much. I do know that that's all a bit superficial. I think can work out a wardrobe that doesn't require a trip to the House of Wax, because I managed it over the last two summers.

I think the trouble is this. I'm getting... tired isn't perhaps the word... frustrated is closer. I'm feeling frustrated that how I look on the outside, is not quite right with how I feel on the inside. That doesn't mean I want to transition or want implants. What I think it is, is I want to be a bit more in between. I don't know what's changed in the last few years, but perhaps some new cogs are a-turning and they're driving a new agenda.

That moves us on to the heady subject of the truth of free will and no, I won't be going into that. :-) So my question is this: how much control do you really have and if you win, what do you lose? Ahh, and we are back to the compromise comment from the therapy sessions last year. Perhaps my real question would be what price personal happiness over others? There's a difficult one to answer.

Anyway, the sun is shining. The trees and flowers are in bloom and according to the weather folk, it'll be good all weekend. Best get out and enjoy it.

Take care,

[ Today's lyric: Salve Mea by Faithless. ]

Friday, April 01, 2011

"Come take a trip with me, to Future World"


I had jotted some notes down on a bit of paper for today's post. Thing is, I got busy at work. Friday afternoon is not the time for meetings. Actually, is any time a good time for a meeting? ;-) I find that trying stuff just for the craic works best on a Friday. That bit of technical wizardry you've put off and now the office is quiet, you can get your head around the problem. Anyhoo, after a bit of thinking outside the box, the development systems can now do few more things can it could before. Yay for results.

Seems I'm not the only one who's been bashing the scripting rocks together either. Blogger have released a new gadget that alters the way you can view a blog. You'll need a fairly modern browser - whatever that means - and the link is here. I've also added just under the slogan generator on the right hand side of the screen. Hence the alternative viewing options test.

What else? Well... not a lot really. It's been very quiet at the mo. Pretty much a case of going through the usual routine of sleep, rush, school run, work, lunch time walk, work, home, kids, sleep, repeat until Saturday. Don't get me wrong, there have been good things throughout that loop. Just little things like making a really nice tea, having a laugh with the family or, and as tonight, coming home to a very scrummy tea. That was served by a rather glamorous Mrs Jones. She's had her hair done and very nice it looks too.

Other than hamming the keyboard at Blogger, there's the odd occasion where I do a spot of writhing. I tend to drift off and daydream ideas. When I'm organised, I remember to make notes on these and some of them end up as short stories. Don't worry, I won't be inflicting any on you here. So why am I mentioning it? Well, much as that's been a bit of a hobby, I decided to tidy one up - with the help of the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones - and send one off to a competition. Do I expect to win? No, but it would be nice. :-)

Most of it is science fiction or a dark twist on modern times. While none of them have a specific trans theme in them, there is a vibe in there for it. Certain with the far future ones, where biotechnology can pretty much do anything; appearance is fluid. Is is wish fulfilment? No, I don't think it is. Often the shift in appearance for some characters - sometimes to something others would consider freakish or monstrous - is just background. For them it is normal. Hmmm, where have I felt that before? :-) Come to think of it, if biotechnology was that good now, how far would people go? I guess that's part of the reason I write, to explore those feelings.

Talking of nice things, I saw a very nice pair of wedges and some chunky heels sandals while out and about the other week. I think I may pop by the store again and see if the interest is still there.

Oh, it's Mother's Day in the UK this Sunday. Cards and flowers, girls! ;-)

Take care,

[ Today's lyric: Future World by Helloween. ]