Monday, May 25, 2009

"Y'all dont know what its like,
Being male, middle class and white.."


This week has been.... somewhat odd: a mix of highs and lows. The slightly ironic title will make more sense as you read on. Well, assuming you wanna read on. :-)

The start of the week - or the end of the last one if you will - was truly top. Good company, a trip to the park with the nippers and a blue sky of early summer. A sky so blue and perfect that it seemed to fit in my childhood memories of summers passed.

Tuesday I felt the familiar creeping of the black dog; that fug of disinterest that cloaks you... (Ed: your ability to bullsh*t seem to be okay tho)... and I put it down to just tiredness. However, by the end of Wednesday, it was back. Seemed the sound of heels and the swish of skirts reminded me how far away my own appointment with glamour was. Not a good time really. :-\

I get this from time to time and it annoys the sh** out of me. It seems I have no energy. I just want to sit and let the world go by. Become a silent passenger in it all. But, I know as a parent or a worker, that's not an option and based on previous episodes, it's counterproductive. Staying busy can be the key.

So, I forced myself to go for a long walk - one of the joys of a company with sites dotted around the city. Getting out into the sunshine helped, but I still wonder what's bringing the loom of darkness to my door? I hope it's just work and not another episode of being a mardy b*stard. :-) That or not enough dressing? But how can that be? Aren't tranny genes set to sleep around summer time? I think the latter is a survival mechanism: I mean, high summer with all that padding and a wig? You could combust :-)

Anyways... shoveling through the pile of emotional dung, I did experience two wee gems of good fortune this week. I came out to an on-line friend (non-trans) earlier in the week. She took it well; I mean - and no disrespect to the lass in question - do you ever really know? I guess it comes down to trust and I'm glad I made that step. We've had a chat about it and it's been a very postitive experience.

The other gem is that it was time for Nottingham Chameleons on Thursday. I've been checking up on the group's inbox (as Sandy & Tracey are away). That was good to do as it made me feel like I'm giving something back. I mean, ignoring my tedious white boy pain [irony] because realistically, I've got it good: a family, no strings attached dressing up, a steady job and my health.

Some of the emails you get are from folk who want to come along, but they're just so scared. I know some girls have rolled up in the car and - bless them - haven't been able to to open the door and make it into the venue. That first step is, I think, one of the hardest we have to make. I mean you're about to visit a place full of people you don't know and pretty much show the secret you've been hiding for so long. To come out to a partner, yes, that is one thing, but that's not always in 'frock & roll' mode is it? Here you're going to show your other face (and wardrobe), the whole tranny focused uncertaintity swings into action.

A night out at a social group, well, there you are for all the world to see - or so it would seem - and what must they make of you? Honestly - and if the group is worth it's salt - a friendly and knowing smile should be first. Get any tranny, even the most *ahem* talented of divas to show you their early photos and trust me, we all gotta start somewhere.


[ Today's lyric: Rockin The Suburbs by Ben Folds ]

Friday, May 22, 2009

"Suckers, liars get me a shovel!"

Hey y'all,

Today I'd nipped out of the office to grab a sarnie (sorry: sandwich) and while I was out and about, I dropped into Boots. Well, they do do nice meal deals and there's the make-up section. Food and fabness, what's not to like? :-)

So as I pottered about basket in hand I wandered through the shiny packages of nail varnishes and lippys available. One thing that struck me about the promotional posters though, was this: the amount of BS beauty product adverts seem to contain.

Is that a bit harsh? Let me explain. What I mean is, if you watch an advert for... say... mascara, the small print will zip along the bottom saying something along the lines of enhanced post production or filmed with lash inserts. Okay, so when I come to try that fabuloso-in-a-tube, I'm not going to be batting a thousand, more like a half baked baker's dozen?

Riiiight. So while I'm not naive enough to believe what I see in an advert, I would kinda like the product to have some standing in reality. I mean, how long before we see an advert of a flying car ("Announcing the new Ford Areo!") only to see the small print of real car only travels on roads and does not actually fly. :-)

Oh well, I guess you can't have it all? I suppose the other option would be to ask if we can have access to the same software the ad companies use? Never a dull day in ad-land!


Yesterday, the BBC ran a TV programme called Dress to Impress (more here). I must say a quick note of thanks to Alex for spotting this wee gem in the schedules. It's part of the Beeb's Moving On series of plays, or drama, if you prefer. I watched it 'cos it features a tranny character. Why? Partly to see how the programme deals with it and also because I am a tranny.

The actors & crew did a great job. Jack McMullen did well as the young lad of the piece. There's a bit at the start where his character, Daniel, takes a keen interest in the times when his parents will be back. God, that struck home and brought back a flood of lost memories....

The clunk of the front door as it shuts. A nosey through the blinds upstairs as the car pulls out of the drive. You pull open the cupboard and reach for the items you keep stashed. A grasp at momentary freedom: a few hours to be yourself. Perhaps, more accurately, to not be your everyday self, but the person you long to be....

That was so long ago - 20 years? - yet in my mind's eye I can see it all. It was the 80s too. Dotty blouses and killer heels. No wonder I can't watch Ashes to Ashes :-)

Maybe that's the power of good drama: to leave us affected by what went on. Maybe Joe Public will be looking at the relationship between the husband and wife. But, for a small chunk of us, our t-dar will be pinging as Daniel studies women's fashions. You know he's going to come out, so I'm not spoiling anything here. Just how it happens, maybe I'm soft, but it did wrench my heart.

I'll leave you to watch it on iPlayer and make up your own minds.

Take care,

[ Today's lyric: Don't Believe the Hype by Public Enemy. ]

Friday, May 15, 2009

"Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time"

Hi folks,

How's things? Looks like I put the mockers on the good weather by talking about summer fashion last time! :-) It's rained on and off for most of this week. However, the bright side to that is that it's not too hot to get dressed up, so some small mercies eh?

Last week the work canteen was alive with cute dresses and bright shades. Whereas this week, it almost looks like the womenfolk have returned to the winter wardrobes. Opaques, boots, dark trouser suits, etc. That said, I saw a lady in a very fetching linen business suit. She stood out against the sea of black that we all gravitate towards.

So what else has been going on? It was time for a trip to Nottingham Chameleons last night and it was great to see everyone again. It's funny, but the way the calendar falls, sometimes there's a 2 week gap between meetings and it's surprising how that longer gap - at least to me - makes you realise what regular socials mean.

It was also time for the group's annual general meeting. We're a bit... flexible... (Ed: no, not like that, you dirty minded so & sos) over the actual dates s of it :-) - but it's the thought that counts. As prices rise, so will the attendance fee: that's now up to 4 quid but I don't think that's bad. Fund-wise we're doing okay and the Bring & Buy sales that we do help keep us afloat and top up the funds for parties and other special events. Your truly volunteered to record the minutes, so an excuse for a more secretarial look :-)

There was much laughter and well meant banter during the proceedings - something that's clearly not reflected in what I wrote down. One of those occasions where you had to be there. Come the end of it, I felt a little miffed that it had all come to an end so soon.... or at least so it felt. Do I want more? I don't think so. I think I have the balance just about right for me and my family. But, as with any good night out, I think it's only natural to want to keep having a good time.

One of the group, Yvonne, is having some treatment at a local hospital (get well soon, chuck!) and having got talking to the nurses, she came out to them. Their curiosity piqued, Yvonne showed them the group's website - the one with the new photo by Debbie (good luck!)- and said, "there's a real girl on there. Which one is it?" Now, truth by told, there isn't but after a bit of umming and ahhing, the nurses pointed at my picture. So two things: firstly, Yvonne, cash or cheque love? :-)Secondly: the camera never lies (Ed: yeah, right! Dream on!)

Take care

[ Today's lyric: Don't Stop me Now by Queen ]

Friday, May 08, 2009

"When I grow up
I'll be stable."

Hey y'all.

Another week rolls by. Tear down a strip from the calendar and toss (Ed: fnarr) into the recycling bin of history. :)

Summer rolls ever closer. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the fact that I don't have to dress for the Arctic and the fact that the kids are not cooped up indoors is a good thing (as any parent will tell you).

The only downside with summer is... summer fashions. More flesh on show and hem lines are, of course, up again this season. Being summer, and it's almost t-shirt weather, the War On Hair is currently on hold. My eyebrows may be neat and my nails tapered, but you have to try and blend in a bit don't you?

So when the summer fashions come out, I look and wonder what'll work for yours truly. Long floaty top, pale leggings and wedges perhaps? The trusty white skinnies and a cute vest? Somethings to consider when work flags and I need some welcome distraction.

In other news, I read an article about 'if I knew then what I knew now..' - you know, one of those filler pieces magazines like to run every now and again. I did do a whole blog post on it... in the style of an email that had gone back in time to the 1989 me. :) But, it didn't really work, so you won't be seeing that just yet! :D

I've thought about this as I queued in traffic. I think I'd be tempted to say:

"Try not to worry too much. It'll be tough in places, but you'll get through it. Trust me when I say it'll all work out. Indeed, far better than you could imagine: a family, self-acceptance and good friends. Friends who know and who won't judge. Just hang on in there."

So bizarre time-travelling texts aside: if you could send a note to yourself, what advice (other than betting tips :-P ) would you send back? Or wouldn't you? Would you rather you go through the learning curve?

Take care,

[ Today's lyric: Garbage's When I Grow Up ]

Friday, May 01, 2009

"Across the world the message flies,
information, truth and lies..."


Do you Twitter or tweet or whatever it is? I've seen a few sites of fellow Bloggers who do. What about Facebook? Bebo? MySpace? Do you use those? I don't do the former - at least in Lynn mode - but I seem to have been hit (Ed: infected?) with their update meme. Allow me to explain... :-)

For those of you who don't know, Twitter et al let you upload a short phrase as an update status. Now maybe you have a far more glamourous or jet setting life than mine, and while I am a self opinionated blogger, I'm struggling to find enough to say to warrant a twitter feed. Some people do and they do it well, but not yours truly.

So - and here comes the questiony bit - why is it in my head I've had the following going on:
  • ... is in a meeting but her mind is on this season's new looks.
  • ... is dropping the kids off and man is it cold! Shoulda worn tights under the suit.
  • ... wishes life was a little less complicated sometimes.
  • ... is putting his trainers on and nearly put his back out in doing so.
  • ... wonders why real ladies sometimes wear heels to go shopping in when (s)he knows how much it hurts.
  • ... is pondering what to blog about.
  • ... is hoping mowing the grass won't die her fingers green before a big night out.
  • ... wonders what would happen if (s)he came out. Really out.
  • ... just can't get excited over a new telephone.
  • ... wishes size 14 meant size 14!
  • ... is fed up with the War on Unwanted Hair.

All these fleeting thoughts have fluttered through my head, bubbled through a busy brain giving welcome distraction to the occasionally uninteresting world of queues, waiting and, of course, meetings.

I guess they are all just tiny distractions that in some way, help me get through a day where the entertainment factor is unusually low. Do you find yourself doing this? Not so much courting a feed as mental blogging what you're doing? Maybe I just need to get out more. :-)

Take care,

[ Today's Lyric: Zeros and Ones by Jesus Jones ]