Friday, July 27, 2007

"Dark clouds drift away to reveal
The sunshine"

Hi peeps,

How's you? All well I trust.

The dark cloud that I've been under (occasionally) has drifted away - given the weather we've been having, it's probably been drowned. :) The other day I decided to try and stick to the advice from the 20th century's greatest philosophers: "Always look on the bright side of life." So, normality and unselfish behaviour be damned, I went out to Chams. And you know what? It did me the power of good. It wasn't just the dressing up - although I'd be lying if that wasn't a part of it. No, it's the sense of belonging that going along to meet friends gives you. It's trite but I'll say it again, it is about being you. Yeah, you're a bloke in a dress, but guess what? It's not just you, there are others just like you too. You don't have to be mucho macho if you don't want to (not that I ever have been). If you want to talk about film, sports, slap or New Look's fabby new shoe collection - you can. There is no need to guard what you say. For me at least, it gives a self of completeness. There is no conversation self-censorship.

So I'm sat upstairs at the Centre putting my face on when Tracy pops in. We had a natter about this and that - mainly about denial and why that's probably made me so blooming moody these past few weeks. It was really touching and I'm grateful that she took the time out to say 'how are you?' and really mean it. I was touched. I said that there's been a rush of these programmes on body image and self esteem of late. I don't have a negative image of how I look (I don't mean that in an arrogant way, my body is me and that's that), but what I do have in common with some of these people, is the nagging voice of doom. As Tracy said, when you're a tranny, it - tranniness that is - is part of who you are. When you see a nice looking lady, you see two things: an attractive woman *and* a good outfit. You can't take the tranny style radar offline. It - like the Force - will always be with you. But, to listen to this voice of doom, as books, magazines and television tells you, is both pointless and in some ways self-destructive. You just grind yourself down with self criticism... and really? What's the point of that? :-)

So what the the night itself? The group had a repeat of last time's bring-and-buy, so I brought along some shoes I'd had lurking in the wardrobe (practically unworn) and one of my old wigs. I bought that a few years ago and while I like the look of it (a long, straight dark brown number), it just doesn't suit me. Off it went in the bag along with the other goodies. I handed that over and I noticed it disappeared rather quickly! Still, money in the kitty. We managed to raise over 40 quid or so which bumps the Xmas Party funds up nicely.

Mary (RG) had also come along with a veritable array of make-up (Ed: Any suggestions for a collection noun for make-up?). A couple of the new girls had make overs which I think they really enjoyed. As I said to Mary, it's not like you can ask your mate on how to put your lippy on. I guess a lot of it is practice and we don't get nearly as much exposure or practice as the fairer sex do. You do need to experiment and keep on at it. Anyhoo, I did shell out for some new concealer, but that was it.

I decided to wear my other wrap dress that had been hanging in the wardrobe for the last few months. I bought it last year but the front felt too low and the length wasn't quite right. Remind me why I bought it! :) Well, the front was fine once I put a cute little vest under it and the length was resolved with a quick snip with the shears, some instaweb and a spin with the iron. Just above the knee rather than mid calf which just didn't sit right.

So that's me. Sorry there's no great insight to the tranny mindset or deconstruction of the tri-gendered revolution, but you can't have it all can you.

Oh, before I go, here's an advert you're unlikely to see :-)

Take care and have a good one!

[ Today's lyric is from Space. ]

Saturday, July 21, 2007

"I said never again but here we are"

Hey hey true believers,

Unusually for me I missed my personal deadline of a Friday night post. It's silly really, but I like to empty my head of the chaff that's been floating around during the week ready for the weekend. Anyway, that wasn't going to happen (yesterday) because I just didn't get my sh** together.

My mood has been up and down these last few weeks. I can't quite put my finger on it, but the weather certainly isn't helping. Normally there are lots of things you can do - family wise that is - in the pleasant Summer months before the season turns and it's brollies and wellies for most outside activities.

Anyhoo, today I'd had enough and Wee Man and I headed out to the park in waterproofs. He's progressed to a proper bike and he rattles along the flooded paths, stabilisers throwing out more water than a packet of cheap bacon. I was well impressed and if I'm honest, it broke the black cloud I've been lumbering under.

Other than a few die-hard dog walkers, the place was empty, a complete turn-around on last week's sun packed family fun day. I must confess we both got thoroughly soaked, but it was worth it. We also found a bramble patch and with a spare poly bag from my pocket, we managed a few summer fruits for teatime. Good times indeed.

Chams will be on again this week and although there may be some friction in me going, but I wonder if it'll help me calm down a bit and get back to planet normal (Ed: oh the irony!). I missed last time's do simply because I was trying to prove to myself that I didn't need to go (en femme or bloke mode). That was complete tosh and all I achieved in not going was making myself feel miserable. Is this what it's like for normal men when they don't get to go down the pubs with their mates? Ah, but why would they be reading this when they could be down the pub? :-)

I've also been indulging in classic avoidance activity. Playing computer games, hanging out in Joe Public forums, toying with my firewall settings (geek!) and learning about SSH. Anything it seems than concentrate on work related issues or trying to get my head straight. I am, if nothing else, a dreamer and an escapist. Still, it's good to dream. It lets us escape from the world from time to time. The cold logic in my head says I should be doing something with my time, but my heart says no (Ed: Is that a Xtina lyric?). Knickers to it anyway, it's Saturday night.

Roll on Thursday and a night out with the girls.

ps: There's a new link on the blogroll panel. This is to Helena's blog, Girl from Mars. I've posted before about Helena's snaps of the capital and today I stumbled on to her blog. Well worth a read.

[ Today's lyric is from Rachel Stevens' punchy pop ditty. ]

Monday, July 16, 2007

"Tell me the truth..."

Following comments from Rachel and Chrissy (thanks girls), I got to thinking (as one does). I don't know about the rest of the blogging gang, but I come here to write and let off steam or to talk about things I cannot talk about with others. Like the rest of you I do have a life (no, really) outside of the wardrobe mirror, but I always hold back on what I post.

You see I have this fear that one day someone reading this will put 2 and 2 together and go 'Holy gender divergence Batman, that's [blah] from work/pub/school'. I know there is a risk in posting here, anyone who really knows me will see links between my trans-life (if that is a word) and my real life. It's not to say that trans thing isn't real, but I don't tell you everything. I don't say who I live with (although there are hints), what my other hobbies are (Ed: check your profile you numpty) or where I work. Of course, not having a photo (or two) online would probably help, but I'm a tranny and that's what we do. Crazy, I know. :)

My other 'thing' - or is it fear? - is my family and friends' right to privacy. I never mention there names, not because I don't care about them (I do dearly) but because I'd like to give them some anonymity at least. I know that kinda goes against point one, because if someone can guess who I am, they may know my social circle. Still, at least damage may be limited.

So, there you go. That's why I don't tell always tell you what I get up to outside of the TG microcosm. Perhaps this blog would be a little richer if it did. To someone outside of the TG world, perhaps it would give a better view on how we live. Most of the time I bumble along though life with the same fun and games as the next person, it's just that I have this element to me (like others do) that makes me think it's fun to dress up like a woman. Heh, it may even be a little more balanced because as this blog is so TG focused it makes me look very singular and yeah, while being TG is more about just clothes (as some of us know and accept) there is a little more to me than frocks, slap and a good night out with the girls.

[ Today's lyric - The Truth by Clawfinger. Always a hit at weddings that one. :) ]

Thursday, July 12, 2007

"This paint by numbers life..."

Hola muchachas,

Man, I'm running short of ways to say 'hi' for each post. Maybe I should chill out a bit and just dive in. Still, where'd be the fun in that eh?

So, w'sup? Things here are quiet with a very small 'q' at the mo. The summer has now arrived and as such my tranny powers are weak (old man). I'm a little burned out from work at the mo. I won't bore you with the in's and out's of that - they don't pay me to think about that kinda stuff outside of hours. :-)

TG wise I really don't know if I'm coming or going at the mo. I'm used to a lull in the old TG powers, but this time the lull has been a long time coming and it's left me feeling a little flat if I'm honest. I'm sure it's just a blip, a speed bump if you will in my crossdressing adventures.

Normal service will resume later on. Honest.

Friday, July 06, 2007

"Here comes the rain again"

Hey-ya :-)

Fun week? I hope so.

Today was rather interesting. Everyone at work seemed to be demob happy. Talk about your Friday feeling. I was wondering if they've been putting stimulants in the water coolers (again). It's that or someone left the tunnel open. Some weeks you limp toward Friday glad that you made it through the week. Heh. Life in the modern office eh? Today though, folk were bordering on the jubilant. Fun though :)

TG stuff is all quite at the mo as trannys seem to be the anti-bears. The Urge (tm) seems to hibernate during the summer. Summer? Well okay, we've had a *lot* of rain. Luckily, not as much as the good folk of Yorkshire et al so we're some way off filling my opaques with sand to hold back the tide. How are things in your neck of the woods?

I'm not madly keen on getting soaked (!!) but if I'm honest I'd rather be cold than too hot. We've had a couple of real scorchers (summers that is) and between you and me, it's nice not to be too hot. Summer frocks seem to come and go at work but most ladies seem to be sticking to the classic black trousers. I saw a lady in boots the other day. Mind you, it was chucking it down. No, they were not wellingtons before you ask. :)

Earlier in the week I was reminiscing about my childhood and we got on to the subject of role models. Stephanie posted an alternative take on my recollections and this is good because it stops and makes you think about a memory, or even a truth, that you consider to be fact. Given that train of thought: who in today's society or popular culture even speaks or represents the TG contingent? I think it's a tough question to answer because we're all walking our own path. Yeah, I know you wouldn't have thought they'd be so much politics about a bloke in a dress, but hey, I didn't make the rules. :) Some people say Mr Izzard does a good job. Others say Mr Grayson speaks more for them. What about authors? Does Helen Boyd (My Husband Betty) help too? There are also folks from "the scene" if you will. Bloggers or girls we know who risk their chances with the media.

[ No prizes for guessing today's blast from the past. The Eurythmics of course. ]