Saturday, December 31, 2005

All systems go

The Christmas fun and games are just about over. We've just about managed to cram the paper and boxes into the recyling bin. I woke up this morning to the industrial groaning of the bin lorry. I wonder if bin men get danger money for Christmas? :-)

P. went out with her friend K. yesterday evening. I'd completely forgottern about it - and, bless her - she says laughing, "I'll be back after 9.30 at the earliest - so have fun" and she gave the trunk in the spare room a kick. "Just make sure you get your eyeliner off this time!" That was a very welcome Xmas surprise and one I took complete advantage of! Unusally for me, I didn't take any snaps. There must be something wrong with me - perhaps my tranny batteries are running low.

There's been a few items on forums (Roses & UK Angels) that have piqued my interest. One was about motorbikes and it tied in photos and going out dressed. I wonder just how much of being TG is "peacock" behaviour. It's one thing to dress up and enjoy the process of becoming all pretty, but it's another thing entirely to go out and be spotted (or "read" to use the lingo). Being TG is interesting in that by turns its a very private affair that folk keep locked away. Ironically, you'll then find trannies posting pictures, making web sites and going out (dressed up). Go figure. Perhaps it's not enough to be pretty for yourself... maybe we TG folk crave the attention and acceptance of others. There's a thought for today.

How does this tie in with motorbikes? Well, bikes are another look-at-me item. Not everyone rides a motorbike or a scooter - most folk are tucked up in their cars.... whereas those on two wheels stand out. Hmmm... I wonder how many hard core bikers I've just managed to offend there. :-) But, let's be honest lads, next time your mate takes his gloves off, do check to see how well manicured his fingernails are.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Shameless cut and paste

Firstly I must say thanks to Jo for letting her recycle the questions from her blog You can read her original article here.

How long have you been dressing up as a girl?

On and off - for quite a long time. My earliest recollection would be when I was at primary school. What's that? About 8 or 10 or so? I don't know why but I remember getting ready for bed and seeing a pair of mum's tights fresh out of the laundry. I can remember wondering what the felt like and reaching for them... Ahhh, so began a drift to the Dark Side. :-)

After that, wanting to dress up or being interested in girls' - and later womens' - clothes never went away. Sure, you can try and *ignore* your interest, but if you're honest, the want to dress up never goes away.

Do you want to be a girl?

In my teenage years I was very, very confused and wondered just where this cross dressing would take me. Would I want to become a woman? After a lot of soul searching, I realised that I didn't. I'm quite happy being a bloke. The wages are better, you get to play with lots of toys and clothing/grooming is soooo much easier. :-)

Why ‘Lynn’?

I just liked the name. It's as simple as that.

Are you gay?

I always find this a bit of an odd question. Why would a guy, who likes to wear dresses and make-up be gay? Isn't the stereotype that gay men are attracted to macho types? If that were the case, I'd not be showing myself in my best light would I?

Am I skirting the question? No, and I will say this: to deny being gay so ardently (as some men - and trans folk - are prone to do) - to me at least, implies that there's something wrong with being gay. This is going to sound awfully PC, but quite frankly, I don't give a sh** if you're straight, bi or gay. Who am I to judge your life? Love is love.

Does anyone else know?

Yes. My wife, my mum, two t-girls I've met online & IRL plus an old friend from University.

As I already mentioned, during my teenage years there was much confusion. I came out - so to speak - to my Mum when I was 18. It was horrible. I felt so very ashamed and guilty. The guilt was that I'd worn her and my sister's clothes on occasion without permission. That's kinda creepy, but what's a young trans person to do? We had a lot of tears although she thinks "I quit" when I had a chuck out at University.

After throwing what few clothes I had away, I met a very nice young lady at University - now the Ever Lovely Mrs J - who, obviously, I married. She knew that I had dressed up, but at the time I'd purged everything and was on the *ahem* straight and narrow. That phase lasted about two years. She would go out once a week to visit her folks. That would leave me with run of the house and access to a bag of clothes destined to go to charity.....

I managed to keep the lid on things until I started a new job in the late 90s. That job was awful and I'm afraid to say that I used my cross dressing as a stress valve. I started to collect my own clothes and went out to a support group. I came out to Mrs J. a week later. Initially, she took it well, but it remains an occasional shadow on our relationship.

What do you get from the experience?

Sometimes joy, excitement, or even disappointment, but mainly: peace. I feel happy and relaxed when I get to dress up.

Do you get aroused by it?

I find this question very hard to answer. If I'm honest, I have to say that sometimes, yes I do find it a turn on. It's not the cross-dressing that makes me excited, and this'll sound nuts - it's the actually feeling pretty that makes me feel good. Does that make sense? In my youth, just thinking about stockings was enough to - as Peter Cook would say - "give me the 'orn". In later years I find this much less so, although dressing up - while not sexually exciting - is still fun.

How do you find out how to dress, how to do your make up etc?

Studying other women; trial and error; watching YouTube, reading women's mags; researching make-up and clothes on the Internet.

Have you ever been out dressed?

Yes, on a few occasions, but they are few and far between. There's no score card for this and it's not a p***ing contest by any means.

I think Matalan should have a trans discount card, it seems to be a Mecca for t-girls throughout the UK. :-)

Could you stop?

I doubt it. I've tried and for me at least, it just doesn't work. Why lie to yourself and upset others with your grumpy moods because you're in denial. In business jargon: JFDI - just f***ing do it.

Within the TG community, there is a feeling that cross-dressing is incurable. It *may* be possible for *you* to give up. If you wish to do so, good luck. It won't be easy, but it may be possible. Personally, for all the flack and the fall outs, I enjoy it too much. Selfish b*tch eh? :-)

What’s the cause?

The jury is still out. I don't think I've read or heard anything from the psychologists that ring true for all of us. Each of us has a reason that makes sense to them.

For me, I do not think it's genetic, but maybe hormone/birth related. Sure, you can have girly men and macho women, but I don't think being trans fits into that model so easily. I don't blame my parents; it's just a cast of the dice really. I wonder if the strong female role models at home and at school shaped my personality, or was I already leaning a certain way? But all that aside, why can't I stop? Are we truly slaves to our childhood or biological programming? People far more educated than I have researched and written papers on this subject. There's some here and here. If you've got any more, I'd love to read them.

I hope that by being a hands-on Dad, that I'll be a good role model for my son. You want to protect your children and while life isn't easy for straight folk, I'd like to help him avoid some of what I went through. But if he did find he was trans, at least his wife would get nice clothes for Xmas. :-)

Take care,

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Walking, talking and (of course) shopping

Today's been very interesting. I had the day off to go fix the car - that's very rock and roll isn't it? Well, if I'd driven it into a swimming pool, yes, I guess it would be. However, this time, it was merely a service.  But that did mean I had the day off :)

So what did I get up to? Firstly I got a fantastic new skirt from Matalan - a bargain at only 10 quid. I'm very pleased with that. I also got some earrings which - in a Blue Peter stylee - I've tweaked to fit to my small clip-on hoops. After that it was off home to try on my purchases and get dolled up. You can't let an afternoon go to waste can you?

All in all, a very good day.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Killer Heels

Despite being a miserable old mare sometimes, I must confess to enjoying the xmas season so far. Sure, we've got a sh**load of wrapping to do, but on the plus side, P. and I have been to the works' xmas do and have just about finished the christmas shopping.

The xmas do was a blast. We both had a very nice time dancing the night away and the food and company was excellent. Sometimes I wonder if this is the best bit about xmas. Meeting up with people you've not seen for ages and sharing the good times. You can stick your high street queues and novelty markets. :-) Well, nearly...

The xmas party season is the time for trannys. Clothes are spangly and showy. Shoes are high and everyone's on a roll. I gotta say though that I'm surprised that some women can dance in those heels! :-) Actually, I'm not that surprised... it's down to practice! :-)

In other news I've got some time off later this week to go and get my car serviced. That'll mean a full day off because the garage isn't local. But on the brightside that means some shopping while the wheel nuts get tightened and afterwards... perhaps time to pop home, dress up or go shopping. I'm thinking about dropping a few friends a line to see if they're up for some face to face time. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Panic over...

Amazing what a good night's sleep can do for people isn't it? This morning's blog was rather scary wasn't it? End of the world, fire & brimstone, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! :) (PS: Name the film).

Things have thankfully calmed down a little and we had a more sedate conversation. The going out remains a bit of a no-no, which is a shame, but compromise is better than divorce.

Other news? The shopping was very good although I was a little bit miffed by the staff in Hot Hair in Nottm. Perhaps the conversation they were having was more interesting than helping a paying customer. :) Ah well, I drifted off to take a look at what else was available.

All ladies' shoes *still* seem to be pointy. Here was me thinking that the fashion media had declared it's round toes for boots and shoes.... will someone tell that to the shops? :) However, the Times recently ran an article saying that various fashionistas have forsaken the round shoe and gone back to pointy. Maybe they couldn't get any either. :)

And the reason for the shopping trip? To get lots of pressies for P. - which I managed with gusto.

The Terrible Truth or the Beautiful Lie?

Two posts in a week? Shock horror! :)

In time honored tradition I'm going to make it a good news / bad news situation. :)

First the good news... the good news is? Well, I still have my family and P. is at least talking to me after last night's tears. This is at least a good sign. Other good news is, that it's shopping day today. Time to go and indulge in some retail therapy for P's xmas presents.

The bad news? Ahh well, we had That Conversation. You know the one, it even gets capitalization. I'll be honest (which is a rare thing) but you can afford to be straight with complete strangers can't you. I'm not going to see you in the street and any questioning looks will be lost in the crowd.... :) Honesty? Oh yes, I've been overzealous plucking my eyebrows. They've never been huge before and now they're probably the wrong side of arched. This has understandably upset P. and we had a late night conversation about it.

We've had one before and it followed a similar pattern. We had the apologies, a few tears (me & her), anger (her), despair (me & her), worry (what about the kids?) and then we came out with a few smiles and jokes. I tried explaining the various reasons psychologists had behind it and maybe that helped. God bless her for sticking with me. I appreciate it must be very hard to understand just why I cross dress - hell, I'm not sure either. :)

In one way it's cleared the air a little - which is always a good thing - but in another I know there's no way in hell I'm going to Chameleon's xmas do this week. Not unless I suddenly develop Obi Wan-type powers.

P. said that she hated the secrecy and the lies... I'm entitled to agree - hence the title of today's blog. So, do you want to know the truth? Do you want to know that I've got a cupboard full of clothes, make-up, wigs, shoes, an on-line diary and some photos on a popular Tranny web board? Or... would you prefer that I don't mention it and it just lurks in the background? Ahh... is ignorance bliss? I bet this is a column Carrie Bradshaw would never have written! :)

I'm fighting the urge to bin everything because I know this is a pointless exercise. I'd be lying to everyone - including myself - if I thought I could give it up. I've been their and got the t-shirt (I'm sure others have too) and for me at least, it just didn't work.

So what's the answer? If anyone does know, answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

All quiet on the western front

Hello World!

How are things?

So what's been going on in my life? Well, that's the thing with having a blog that's on a singular topic. Sometimes there just isn't any news to print.

Actually, that's not strictly true. This is attempt number two to put an update online. I got most of the way through a draft, only to trash it when wifey walked in. Maybe I should be straight about the whole thing and there'd be no secrets. Didn't Grayson Perry say that secrets were toxic. Ahh, perhaps I've been taking his arts column in the Times a little too seriously. :)

So a singular blog? Well, I guess I'm not the only one, but it can limit you to just what to upload. I have another blog elsewhere (not prizes for finding it) which is completely full of the daily chaff of my day to day existance. I believe this is what blogs are for... I think I must post once a week to that and it is a window on to who I am.

Of course, the thing with that is that I don't want you to really know who I am. I suppose in that way, I am your typical tranny: I want to be seen, but not known.

What I could do is move both blogs and merge them. However, I quite like the fact that this part of my life is hidden from others. There's a certain smugness, if you will, about being in the closet.

Sure I've been out a few times, but I'm not Out with a capital 'O'. I enjoy my position within the group where I blog and if I'm honest, I don't really want to be the "Only Tranny In This Village". I'm happy to be me in that regard.

Heh. If you read that last sentance again. It's not strictly true. It is an ironic statement? I don't know. :) Neither of these blogs is really me. One ignores all the real world (this one) and the other ignores all tranny stuff. Perhaps I need to reach a state of balance. :)

I've finally started to catch up with my email. It's not that I get a lot, but it's just finding the time to reply to folk. Something that made me smile recently is that I got a nice thank you from another girl on Roses. I'd merely said something nice about her new photos... and I had a reply. Rather nice of her to do that I felt.