Friday, April 07, 2017

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...


Hi,

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with Andrea, a friend from Chams. We were both in bloke mode, and had met up for a coffee and a chat.

We were discussing - amongst? other things - the concept of confidence. That strength of character, that both helps and drives you, to be, well, you. I think confidence, like cool or self-acceptance is that elusive something that's easy to chase, but not so easy to find.

That intertwined with being out & about makes for an interesting ride. There's the whole trans journey: dressing at home, getting online, making friends, wanting to get out, to be out. Out, with others, or going solo.

Whichever it is, there's the nerves. That on edge feeling as you push yourself and go further. Either the controlled risk of being on social media, to being in public. I've heard people talk of a rush: is it the act of being brave, or the survival of the trip?

Ready? Let's go.
We spoke about a long-ago meal in Leicester, where I had to walk back to the car park. Alone. Alone and at just before closing time. Funny thing was, all was fine when I was out with (trans) friends, but as it was time to go... Well, I've blogged about it before and ask you can do, is take a deep breath and step forward. Luckily, nighttime and distance helps a 6' bloke when in a nice pink dress and heeled boots.

Andrea was kind enough to say I was okay at distance. We did share a chuckle about that. The trip back was thankfully uneventful, despite my nerves. Thing is, I'm only a part-timer: there's those of our number who have to do this all the time.

But, like a ride down the BMX track, a jump from the diving board to the water; you survive. Plus, it feels good... At least, once the nerves have settled. Perhaps that's the rush that pushes us on. Wanting to capture that feeling of being alive. That, or alive or all of yourself.

But, hey, maybe I'm just odd ;-) What about you dear reader, what drives you on? Fun? Adventure? Self-acceptance? Too much caffeine? :-)

Take care,
Lynn

6 comments:

  1. Hi Lynn,
    Interesting journey order. I was out and about in my teens - about 20 years before meeting another t-person or even talking about my t-side to anyone else. For me, I just enjoy the ordinary-ness of doing out and about things in girl mode (shopping, sightseeing eating out etc). I no longer believe I come close to "passing", but so far on my [very] occasional trips out, the "accepting" has been fine. I'll settle for that.

    Diane

    (btw The "okay at a distance" comment is a little harsh - you look fine close up)

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  2. Hi Diane,

    Yeah, the journey or stages thing is, I think thing to be varied. People are so different and times are different too. For example, there wasn't Internet access when I was starting out, and that's really changed things for trans folk. Perhaps, even, all minorities.

    I'm with you on the everyday and acceptance. I'll happily take those.


    As to passing, maybe we're both being overly harsh, but then maybe that's better than fooling ourselves. Thanks for the kind words though. L x

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  3. I actually thought you said "once more onto the beach" there. Oops. ;)

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    1. LOL. Perhaps that title should be for another day? :-)

      I think it was Bill Hicks who described beaches as, "where dirt meets water." The idea of sitting on a scrap of hot sand, alongside umpteen other tourists, no thanks. I like beaches deserted, cool and vast. No need to worry about the kids or the dogs causing trouble. :-)

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  4. Confidence eh?? Taking the beach thought on another step, I see confidence like waves. And possibly surfing on them. For me (and I guess with a number of others) confidence does ebb and flow (and sometimes crashing in or buggering off like an excited dog). Yet if I assert myself and engage with the activity, confidence flows and increases (there's the surfing analogy).

    Of all things, I personally find myself more exposed when in a group of trans people. The opposite of 'safety in numbers' . I feel more confident when out by myself or with cis friends. I really do not know what drives me. It's just another aspect of me, whatever I'm pursuing (fun, adventure, social, larks... not the tweety birds) :-)

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    1. I'm with you on the ebb and flow, Tanya.

      As to a group of trans folk, I think someone on their own may slip under the radar. A group, maybe not so much.

      I remember going to the shops with a trans friend, and we seemed to attract interest for some reason. :-/ People eh? :-)

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