Friday, June 26, 2015

Wake up, Jones

Hi,

To bother, or not to bother? That is the question.

I'm not fully sure how to start today's post and after two restarts, four paragraphs and watching a video with the line (below), I'm still no closer to paydirt....


I guess, it's a combination of work stress and summer. I'm not great in hot weather. I'd like to think the odd Jones family bio-chemistry of Scots and distant Dutch blood, does not warm well. Heh, perhaps like UHT left out, I go a bit sour ;-)

I seem to be drifting at the moment. Running through the cycle of wake, eat, school run, work, eat, work, home, eat, bedtimes, TV, sleep. I have little energy or interest, only the want of distraction for whatever is lurking, unseen in my head.

I also know, that to sit and dwell, is not the best path. Instead, I know I must get out. To walk, to just be outside in nature (I love the countryside) and not do, but just be. To be passive, for once, and observe the beauty in the world. It's a work in progress and I think, I need to take my foot off the gas, so to speak, and - to coin a phrase from another well known film - "let it go."

To that end, I didn't rush home on Thursday. Nor did I have three outfits crammed into a large bag, nor the need to dash from home to get changed. Instead, I took my time and spent the evening in bloke mode, at Chameleons. It certainly made it easier to close up and get home, that's for sure. Perhaps, a break is required. Just a night off here and there, but still to have the social. I know I don't go to Chameleons to just 'dress up', it's as much part of the social. There, I don't have to watch what I say and I can, for once, let the mask drop and just be me.

I think being in bloke mode threw a few people (Oh, It's you. I didn't recognise you dressed like that.) Mainly because most people - unless you're upstairs getting changed - don't see me in bloke mode..... and no, I won't be putting a snap of the male me on-line. It's bad enough being in a video conference and being reminded of how I look.

It's funny, and I'm circling back towards The Matrix reference. During the day, and maybe you have this, maybe you don't; you talk and interact with people and then, you catch sight of yourself. Perhaps a reflection in the window, or (shudder) video conferencing comes on and who you see jars with how you feel.

Still, best not dwell on the negative. It's the weekend, and there are two whole days to do more interesting things.

Look after yourselves,
Lynn
x


9 comments:

  1. Thank you for the very honest appraisal of how you are feeling. I get that jarring feeling all the time too. Hope you have a fab weekend. x

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    1. No problem and thanks for commenting. I was in two minds about posting anything this week. But, I think writing about the bad and the good, makes it more balanced, as well as honest.

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    2. It does, we sometimes act like martyrs and super heroines when we are not. I'm grappling (like Giant Haystacks) most of the time and its good to feel less alone.... x

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    3. Not feeling that heroic TBH :-) One day after another and keep on plodding. X

      Or 'running up that hill' if your bend is towards Kate Bush or Placebo

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  2. "I seem to be drifting at the moment"

    yes, me too - dunno what's what really - and I need to write something as well :/

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    1. Well, it's either the weather, co-incidence or what's been put in the water, by our Lizard Overlords. :-)

      Good luck with the writing. Just getting things out of your head and on to paper, so to speak, seems to be a challenge.

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    2. yes, my head is full of cotton wool – only just made it again this month (or last month as it is now)

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  3. Do not lose faith with yourself, take a step back have a good long think about what you want to do next and where you want to go. Do not make a quick choice.

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    1. Hi Anon. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. There's no rush here... Well, other than wanting to get out from under the somewhat dark cloud.

      I think.... I'm looking for distraction, rather than a new course. Something - perhaps a hobby? - to take me out of the usual and away from the stresses of work.

      Something to think on.

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