Friday, October 24, 2014

A top night out

Hi,

Rejoice, smile and praise, for it is half-term and that means a break from the red tape machine! Freedom for the Every Lovely Mrs J and myself. No more meetings, no more school run panic and hello to lie-ins, cuddles with the kids and lazy afternoons. Get in. The countdown to not giving a ***t - that's hoot, BTW, Honestly! - has chimed and coincided with the opening of a bottle of beer and the snaffling of a very tasty tea.

Last night was party night at Nottingham Chameleons and it was one of those nights, were everything seemed to go well. For those of you who aren't so interested in What Lynn Did Next, feel free to check the blog roll to the right for deeper conversations ;-)

Still here? Don't say I didn't warn you. :-) With the Dad duties out of the way, I made my way through the evening traffic and then through the fitness crowd who were busy doing some stretching exercises outside the centre. It did look very intense and I think I'll stick to walking the dog and taking the kids on bike rides.

Talking of the latter, Little Miss had her first bike ride without stabilisers last weekend. I was so proud of how hard she tried and she's really come on. Wee Man took a little longer, but a) he's like me and b) he was a little younger than her. Each child is so different, but equally lovable. Plus, it being half-term, we get a week together, which'll be great.

Mind you, if I don't start doing a little more exercise, I think I'll need to replace the corset's ties with steel cabling. I've put two pounds on this week... and another pound from last week. I think the working lunches aren't helping - well, sarnie at me desk, rather than going out for a brisk walk. Must sort that out... Mind you, extra bumps + tape + corset equal better cleavage. Hello boys, where'd you come from? A: chocolate factory.

I had a text earlier in the week from Dorothy Perkins saying that my new dress had arrived. I've not got/had a black dress and seeing a sweetheart cut dress in 'tall', was a chance too good to miss. So nice to have a dress that sits just on the knee, rather than shooting up upper-thigh when you sit down. I do love on-line ordering and being able to collect items from the shop and not having to pay delivery (nor be in to accept it), is the cherry on the cake. Mrs J was kind enough to give me a lift, as her car was being fixed that day. So, we had lunch on the way, because it's good to have some time on our own once in a while. Oh, I treated her to some jeans, which I then had to take back and swap, but that's what T-hubbys (tranny tubbies?! :-D ) do right? :-)

I team my new dress with some fancy tights and some killer heels that the Ever Lovely Mrs J was kind enough to let me borrow. Not sure if the wind around ankle straps can be seen in the photo. You can't make out the heel height and this was pre-platform too. Oh, how we suffer for our art, eh? :-) Ready unusually early (for me) and also, completely happy with my outfit, I headed downstairs to ming... sorry, mingle. :-)

The night, I felt, went well, with lots of people chatting: new people, regulars and regular irregular as a certain lady would describe herself (R x). I caught up with Isobelle, who I'd not seen in ages... indeed, I think it might have over a year. Strange how the trans lifestyle plays out; sometimes, people zip in and zip out, like comets around those of us with more stationary orbits. :-)

Plenty of tea lights and subdued lighting, helped make our large room, seem more cosy and welcoming too. A very nice touch, IMO. Sandi and Tracey did their very best with fetching and delivering the Chinese food which went surprisingly quickly. A note to future visitors: if Chams have a meal night, be quick, don't hang around being polite and gassing.... like Muggings here ;-) Sandi and Tracey were also very kind, in that they gave me a birthday card for last month. I won't go into what was written inside; I was very touched. It's the little things isn't it.

There was, as usual, plenty of food to go around, all comedy gags aside and I took some home with me. The kids certainly enjoyed the spare ribs and I think our hound loved the spare special fried rice. All in all, a very nice segue into the week off.

Look after yourselves,
Lynn
x


Friday, October 17, 2014

Do walk into the light

Hi,

All is quiet at Jones Towers. The Ever Lovely Mrs J is out with the girls and Wee Man is having a stop over at Granny's. Little Miss is fast on, having enjoyed a hot bath, after her school disco. She certainly has plenty of energy and our love of dancing. I took earplugs, because there are only so many times you can hear One Direction without wanting to chew your own hands off. :-)

Talking of ears, my first set of posh earrings arrived today. I have also ordered some others for the Lovely Mrs J, as it'll be our anniversary in a few weeks and stocking up for Xmas, isn't a bad idea, either, IMO. Would Be Do Gooder Husband that I am, I try, and while having a *ahem* gender enhanced hubby may not be to everyone's tastes: it does mean that when I'm sent shopping to buy Mrs J's friend birthday gifts, I don't return with an iron, or a red leather thong. Well, not unless that was on the list. We shall see how said gifts are received when my lovely wife comes home. Much as I love gift shopping, the slight touch of fear over 'have I bought the right thing?' is always there. Perhaps if I didn't give a hoot, that wouldn't be there, so maybe that's a good thing?

It's half term in a fortnight, so I'm on a mental countdown to a holiday. Hmm. Mental. Seems topical ;-) Work has... sadly got to me a little and after a few nights of poor sleep, I managed to get in touch with the Big Boss. Who, is, by the way, very pleasant and she's not at all a Pointy Haired Boss - if you read Dilbert. No, those f***ers are all stuck in middle management :-P

We had a long chat about my working conditions and the issues around my job being changed from what I do, to more paper shuffling and box ticking - I won't go into the gory details. She knows I've had a walk through the dark woods of depression; I make no secret of this if anyone asks me directly. I may be in the closet about being trans, yet oddly, I feel no stigma about having had a mental illness and having recovered from it. Sh** happens, as they say. :-)

That figurative woodland is long behind me, but if I stare back far enough - to torture the analogy a little more - it will always be there. Sometimes my path takes me closer, more often, further away. This past week, I have walked under the branches and stared back into the depths. Felt the coldness of inaction and dare I say, the welcoming whispers that it would be okay to stay and wallow in the sadness for a time.... which is, a lie. There's no comfort there. There's no sunlight to penetrate the gloom. If you let walk yourself too long in its shadows, there's a risk that the introspection begins and that, IMHO, is not a good thing. On comes the Second Guessing, the Reconsidering, the If Only.... Bad walking companions by all accounts; unhelpful guides that will only take you deeper. :-)

So.... why do I raise the above? Well, other than to give me something to write about? :-) It was because it was raised in the meeting: how are you holding up? The truth? Not well, I replied. Some sleepless nights and I know the warning signs when I'm beginning to slip back. I also know that, ironically, keeping the right type of busy is best for me. I don't want to be signed off, although I know that would be easy. The doctor offered me that in the past and I thanked him, before turning him down. I had only two days away from work when I was ill and that was only when things, were really, really bad.

Of course now, things are not like that and I am hopeful things will pick up. The conversation has cleared the air and again, maybe set things in motion for me and some of the people in my team too. So, my mental state has not been the best, but I didn't sink back into the depths and the fight ain't over yet.

I'm off to have a look at some little black dresses because it costs nothing to window shop. ;-)

Look after yourselves,
Lynn
x


Friday, October 10, 2014

Go forth and be fabulous

Hi,

It has been a week of highs and lows this time around. The good news is that I had a very good night out at Chameleons. Unusually for me, I was ready fairly quickly and by luck or fortune, I felt okay about my outfit, rather than being plagued by self-doubt and second guessing.

We had a number of new visitors to the group, as well as some returning folk. One visitor would I guess be FTM - female to male, for those not down with the gibberish - if we're going to play the label game. His female friend had come along for moral support and it was so good to see many of the group, rally round and offer support and to listen.

Much of what J had to say about feeling wrong (my words, not his), struggling with depression (as have many others in our group), even jealousy over people who are in the gender he prefers, not being able to be true.... all of these points rang bells for me and I could see as people talked, that they had similar stories. I guess, we might be on different paths, but we're all on a very similar journey. All you can do is be there, listen and offer help if it's wanted.

Now, in the handful of years I've been answering the group's email, I think I can only recall about four emails from FTM folk, and the bulk of our membership is MTF (male to female). Three such emails have been this year alone, so I wonder if we're seeing a change in society around this? I am hoping so, because I think it would be great to see the group's support capability extend and stay relevant.

Conversation with J's friend, who's name I didn't catch, sadly, was interesting too. I think what non-trans people have to say about how it might feel to be like us, and how they feel society is, is pertinent and often promotes polite discussion. Comments about what is normal? to their story of how they came to be involved.

___

I was going to mention work and how it's become a.... bun fight, and that's probably the politest way to describe it.  [ delete delete delete ].  I am finding it very hard at the moment to remain positive and it's really upsetting me. I'm trying to book a chat with the big boss (who is very rational and approachable) to see what can be done. I really don't need this type of stress, but enough about this sh**, there are nicer things to think about.

___

While out on Thursday, a trans friend - I'll spare her blushes - and I had a chat about what she'd been up to. These infrequent visits are accompanied by tales of this, that and the other: life sped up in some ways. Part of the chat, she said she checked this blog from time to time (waves) and asked why I blogged. Well, there is a question..... :-)

Much of this blog is very mundane because life is like that. It's slow, mostly quiet and there are thankfully, only occasional pips of drama to remind you of luck and accident. Hopefully, more of the good luck, than the other. I write about the everyday, well everyday-ish, because I don't feel it would be accurate to only blog about super-exciting things all the time. Mind you, given how I live, there wouldn't be a weekly post if I did that. :-)

Another aspect is that by writing, I can explore my thoughts and.... now this will sounds nuts..... sort of have a conversation. Get my thoughts out there. That begs the question, if I'm only doing that for me: why make this blog public? Why not keep a diary?

I think a deeper truth is that this is one of those public-private things. Yes, this is a blog and yes it's public, but it's so buried in the noise of the Interwebs, that it just goes under the radar. Silly really, because if there's one thing true about the Internet, other than there's a site for every fetish, there's not really any such thing as privacy. :-)

There is also the aspects that I can ask you guys for advice, or I can write about a topic and you give it without me asking. That, I do like. I guess it comes back to my comment above about non-trans people at the group: I get to hear your story, what you think and feel. Sometimes you have a lot to say, sometimes you don't and that's fine.

Lastly, before I came out and I was struggling with who I was (and perhaps, even what I was), I read a number of other blogs. Becky's World, Jo Angel, etc. Blogs that have since quietly slipped away for whatever reason. They may have gone, but for me, their positive message that it's okay to be trans, stuck with me. I've said this here and at Chams: if I can do this trans stuff anyone can.  There's no special secret: you just need to believe in yourself. Now, go forth and be fabulous!

L. xxx






Friday, October 03, 2014

A gift of calmness

Hi,

This morning I was late in for work, as I had an appointment at the local doctors' surgery. Nothing serious mind, which is all good news. I was due to see said health profession at 9.30, which gave me half an hour to kill, after dropping Little Miss off at school. Wee Man has been away all this week and while there was a brief moment of '....and relax...' as there was only one bedtime routine to do, I have missed him and the place wasn't the same without him. Far too quiet and a distinct lack of family banter.

Where was I? Oh aye, post-school run. :-) With 30 minutes on my hands, I could have gone home for a bit (and worked remotely), or I could head into the village - okay, small town, more like - and potter about. Having done a number of lates at work, I decided on not working remotely.

Instead, I parked the car on the outskirts of the village, just off the road near a nature trail and wandered slowly through the old houses. I wasn't in a rush, and although my new mobile works a treat at home, in the village itself, I don't get any mobile Internet. This has, oddly, turned into a bit of a blessing. Freed of the want - and ability - to check t'Interwebz and anti-social media, I find myself doing most non-modern pass-times: looking at the world and doing very little. :-) In all honesty, I can thoroughly recommend this.

A wander along the road let me take in the different types of building, a pause by one that was listed as being 18th century. Yes, the village, like a lot of Britain is that old. I pass another of the local pubs I've not been in. Then, into the village cafe and then a very pleasant sit down with a hot chocolate. Again, no mobile signal and - thankfully - no TV blaring out. Just a view out of the window to watch the world go by and nothing to do until 9.25. No emails to check, no calls to make, no one to answer to: just me and some empty time.


I concentrate on the drink I have in the mug before me. The rich aroma, the taste, its heat as a swallow. There is no room for my mind to wander, just time dwelling on this. A food meditation, which like a breathing exercise, I seem to find quite calming [ seems I'm not alone in this ]

The time passes, I pay, say thanks and leave, before making my way to the quack new doctor. After that, I must go to work.... but let's not take the quick route eh? There's path back through a small wood and on such a lovely day as this, why not tarry a little? Be rude to waste the chance ;-)

Take care,
Lynn