Friday, November 30, 2012

"But love will never compromise,
Now this is the politics of life..."


Hiya,

So, the cusp of December already. Well, I say already, it's been a while since the last one, (Ed: a year, Lynn. Twelve months, you numpty), but it doesn't seem long since it was Christmas. Still, we're just about done on the Xmas shopping front. Just a fair bit of wrapping to do and ensuring the stash remains safely away until the big day.

Part of me has a slight worry that one day, Wee Man or Little Miss will rummage through the cupboards and find my other wardrobe. Okay, so to speak. Actually, my other clothes are at the other end of my shirts and whatnot. I guess it's more the collection of shoes, the wig and make-up that are in the spare cupboard near my computer. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Curling up with a good book

That sort of brings me on to a book I've been reading: A Love Less Ordinary. It's by Laura Newman, the author in question and also of Angel & Princess blog and Marie Claire article fame. The book is about her relationship with Nicci (her partner who happens to be trans), but it goes deeper than that. It covers why a previous relationship didn't work out and why she decided to do something about it. It is to do with living a trans person, but very much not in a negative, nor a blinkered way. It's moving, it's funny and it's informative. I found myself nodding in agreement and as you can grab it now via the Kindle store, you've really no excuse, but to treat yourself :-)

I'll try not to spoil it, by adding a few items that I enjoyed. Other than Laura and Nicci's love for each other, there's talk about a no censorship pact between each of them and how that's working out. There is also a part about how Nicci was outed (I can relate, albeit on a much smaller scale) and how Nicci then chosen to take charge of her own life and roll with the punch. It's inspiring stuff and the book is also peppered with comments by folk from inside their social circle. It is neither doom-and-gloom nor happy clappy; but balanced. There are comments from people who don't understand and yet, they go on their own journey and learn to accept Nicci for who she is, rather than what she is. Like I said, a good read.

Our Different Journey

In other news, Petra seems chuffed with her two minutes thirty five of fame on Our Different Journey. I'm waiting on a few folk to supply their answers and snaps, then a few more should pop up over the weeks. If you're interested, there's a contact form on the side of this blog. Failing that, there's the site itself.

Interviews Schminterviews

I also had a telephone interview for a job today. It all kicked off following an email from an agency, after they saw my LinkedIn profile. Truthfully, that's the only reason I joined up to that site. :-) Anyhoo, it seems that the job in question is rather different than how it had been spun to me by the agency. That and there's some.... discrepancy... over interviews too. It's all making me back off and chuck into the mix that the job is very much hands-off / non-technical to boot.

Yeah, the money is a little better than what I'm now. But as I was saying to a friend, I'm not badly paid (although I'd like a few bob more LOL), so it's not so much about the cash any more. It's more about the feeling of being valued, the working conditions and the fit with my family. Currently, yeah, there's little in the way of progression, but I work with a good bunch of people, I've got some input in to how I do things, I get to manage my own workload and the hours are pretty good too. I guess it's the combination of all those factors that makes leaving hard. Then again, it's not like I'm deeply unhappy, so as Mrs Jones said, don't rush in.

I am fairly cautious by nature - which is good when you're responsible for a computing environment like ours  - but it also slows me down socially and career-wise too. Chuck into the mix that I once jumped from one job to a rather bad one about a decade ago. I guess I should have listened to the warning signs, but hey, lessons learned! Still, as we talked about with the trans stuff, if I hadn't have had that sh** job, I wouldn't have got the ones that have lead me to where I am now. Plus, I doubt I'd be quite the same person. So, bad times doesn't always mean bad news. I guess it comes back to how you deal with the hand you are dealt.

Righto. Feet up, it's the weekend and pretty much gin o'clock! :-)

Take care,
Lynn

[ Today's lyric : Heart & Soul by T'Pau ]

Friday, November 23, 2012

"Let's have a toast a celebration get a glass out,
And we can do this until we pass out."


Hello again dear reader,

Compared to yesterday's weather, which seems like a warm up for The End Times. today in dear old England, we're blessed with a view of a beautiful blue sky. Well, Nottingham at least. Things to be cheerful about! Dare I say, all seems to be going fairly well at the moment; other than the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones being flat out with a rather nasty cold. With luck and a spot of rest, she should be okay for her graduation ceremony next week. Yes, Mrs J will soon be Doctor Jones.... and, yes, I'm very proud of her and no, I haven't bought her a slightly crumpled hat and a whip either. ;-)

Party? Already? Mais oui!

What else is going on? It being just about the end of November, we had the Chameleons Christmas Party. Yes, it is a little early and we do this to avoid clashing with work and home dos, school plays, etc. I had been a little worried about the catering; seeing as only a few people had posted in the forum. As per, I shouldn't have been concerned; we did very well, with everyone bringing this & that to build up a quality spread. Sandi & H. did a top job in putting out the tablecloths, food and candles. It made the place look really homely. Chuck in some sparkly disco lights and an old MP3 player from home, we were good to go! Given it was a party, we had a pretty full house. It's great to see so many people come along and it keeps the coffers topped up well too. Sandi did the honours by capturing the event by taking a few snaps.

I'd over-packed as usual, but this time, decision was with me. It was on with my favourite Christmas dress (red velvet) and last Christmas's star patterned tights. Sadly, they won't be in use as they've died a death. Still, nothing is forever right. Maddy was in a shoe quandary  so I loaned her a pair of my studded heels, while I went with the new ones from Dotty P's (see last month). Not the most comfortable, but I think you have to suffer for your art sometimes ;-) As it was a party, it was on with the fancier than usual Urban Decay set Mrs J had gifted me with. She'd got a more recent set with new colours, so Muggins here ended up with the old, but very glam set. On with a set of false eyelashes and I was good to go!

Thanks to a lucky find while out shopping, I managed to get a few early Xmas presents in. Something for Sandi & Tracey because of all the hard work they do. Plus two little some things which caught my eye for two other friends. I'll spare their blushes at the mo.

We had another visit from our student researcher and from brief conversations with M, all seems to be going well. I saw her having a long chat with Tracey, so hopefully that'll help her project along.

In Da Club Pub

I hung back a bit to help tidy up and after that, headed off to the pub to catch up with the rest. We had a quick karaoke session. Perhaps a good thing given our collective vocal talents. I tried my hand at Green Day's Time of Your Life. Funny, how come singing seems to be better in the car. Maybe the windscreen on reflects back the vocals that are in tune. :-)

In order to cool off, Rhiannon and I had a good long natter in the smoking garden. Well, there were a few plants, but neither of us smoke. Not sure if that violates Trade Descriptions, but meh. :-) After a bit more socialising and a dance to LMFAO, it was time to head home...... only, I had a bit of a scare.

I'd pulled up in an out of the way lane to take my make-up off and slip some trousers on. Y'see, I don't like to return home - even if it is the wee hours - fully Lynned up (Ed: is that even a word?). So, slap removed, wig stashed and man clothes on top, I started the car.... or rather, I didn't. The lights all came on, but the engine wouldn't turn over. Sigh. Don't panic, Jones. Take the key out. Check the gear, press the brake and try again (standard ops for an automatic car). Nothing. Sh**.

Okay. It's something passed one AM and I'm in the middle of nowhere. Okay. Try again. Nope. Right. Don't panic. Ring the breakdown people. Ahh. No wallet. I left that at home. Bum!

Ring Mrs J? No. She needs her sleep and she's got a busy day. Okay. Let's apply the IT principle  turn everything off and leave it for five minutes. :-P I'll mess about with my phone and see if I can get a signal to call Breakdown. No joy with that.... Panicking a bit now.

Force myself to wait a bit longer. Turn the ignition. Nothing. Okay. Check the lights. They're okay, so battery's not screwed. Turn everything off. Get out of the car. Fire central locking. Enjoy the view of the night out towards the woods and the power station  Wonder how long it would take to walk back if the car is shot. Shrug. Get back in. Turn the key. Cross fingers. "C'mon, you beauty".

Vroom!

RESULT! Panic over. Now back home to bed after a quick check that my eyelids aren't still sparkly.

Take care,
Lynn
x

[ Today's lyric: Pass Out by Tinie Tempah ]

Friday, November 16, 2012

"I'm on a mission,
In the destination unknown..."

Hi folks,

Earlier today I was pondering what to write about. I had thought about doing a version of Desert Island Discs, a favourite radio show of mine. Yes, you know my keenness with music, but truth by told, it is as much the story of the person behind the tracks that interests me. Well, some interviewees, I should add. Sportsfolk don't interest me so much, so those episodes I tend to overlook. Perhaps it's because I don't look into their world so much. Maybe if I did, I'd take more of an interest. Anyhoo, that will have to wait for a little while as I consider a few tracks.

T-Town

Some weeks (Ed: months?) ago, I talked about the Our Different Journey project. Due to various issues over hosting, resourcing and Real Life getting in the way, the work has not gone as easily as I'd hoped. I did have a go at setting up a test site and after Tanya posted her answers to the questions, I wondered about resurrecting the idea.


Perhaps this time, I'll spin it a little differently. I think what I'll try is running the questions here and then going for a meme-tag idea. So, if your name pops up below, please consider cutting & pasting the questions (and later your answers) to your own blog. Likewise, if anyone without a blog would like a go (via Facebook or here in the comments section), that would be very cool too. If we get enough replies, maybe you'd let me upload a few to the Our Different Journey site.

Anyway, on with the show!

AWARENESS: When did you first feel trans? How did it make you feel? Did you embrace or run from it?

I remember feeling curious about my mum's and sister's clothes when I was in the third year of primary school. I guess I'd be about six or seven. I can't put my finger on an exact memory, although I do remember taking a pair of tights from the laundry pile and trying them on in my room. They felt, kinda right, in some odd way. I remember wearing a pair under my trousers at school, although I didn't repeat that for many years.... not that I got caught doing it. That didn't come to much later.

I didn't know the word trans or any other ones. As far as I knew, this was just something I did. Ego? Perhaps, but I had no other frame of reference as a young kid. The one thing I did know, I wasn't rough and tumble like the other boys. I preferred books to football and I normally had one close friend, rather than a gang of mates. One thing I did learn, as a boy, it wasn't cool to cry and you didn't talk about dressing up.

I didn't exactly embrace being trans, but I dabbled enough to realise that I'd keep coming back to it. Sometimes the guilt would get to me, sometimes it wouldn't. I do remember reading a teenage problem page about it - my sister bought a lot of teen magazines (plus, fab make-up tips!) - and I remember thinking, "OMG, that's me. There are other kids who do this." That was a real acceptance moment.

ADOLESCENT COPING: How did you cope with growing up? What about puberty? How was school, or teenage life?

I had a pretty easy childhood all things considered. My parents were good to me and I got off lightly in the long swing of things. I wasn't picked on per se, although I didn't enjoy going to an all boys grammar school. Funny, maybe it really is better to reign in Hell than server in Heaven? Still, no point in regretting that; if I could change time, I wouldn't be where I am now and I wouldn't want to change it either.

So to answer your question, I didn't like puberty. The spots, the greasy hair and of course, body hair. Ugh. Perhaps ironically, or perhaps more accurately, I hoped that I'd man up. It was a sort of spinning coin. On one side, I wanted to stay small and unhairy, on the other, I wanted to be tall and mainly like my mates. Go figure.

Looking back, I think I had my first dose of depression as I turned 17. I didn't know what that word was back then and I do remember going to see the doctor about it. It was also about that time that I came out to my Mum. That could have gone better. Honestly, I felt so ashamed of who I was. Pile on gender identity issues with the heady teenage brew of beer, exams and typical puberty related guff, something was bound to go off pop. I had a few sessions of counselling and while it was helpful to talk to someone, I still had a lot of work to do to get myself back into shape mentally.

EARLY LIFE/ UNIVERSITY / COLLEGE: Having grown up - at least physically, how was life? Did you fit in or fall out? Did you stay home, work away or go to University, college or work?

The village where I lived was okay, but getting a job meant working in a town that I really didn't like. It felt - at least to the teenage misanthrope that I was - that all there was to do was drink, watch TV, fight and try to cop off with one of the local girls. Looking back, I was probably being unfair as as a mate said, a Saturday night is what you make it.

I drifted into the idea of going to polytechnic. Back in the 80s / early 90s, we still had polys. I failed most of my exams through not trying very hard (except in computing), but I scraped enough to get me into a course at Nottingham. I had thought about London - because that's where all the trans stuff seemed to be - but Mum was fearful of me going down to the capital for some reason. I guess I was still a naive country boy at heart. :-) I'd been to Nottingham many times, so it sort of felt like a home away from home. Plus, there was Rock City and as I was well into my late teen Indie / Industrial phase, I was quids in. Ahh, discovering the joy of dancing. Rave on. :-)

I guess going helped me break the ties from home and after a mate outed me for being trans, that pretty much made me hideaway.... either at my parent's, or by staying at Nottingham. In a way, he did me a favour. I think it was the kick I needed to make a new start.

CAREER: What you do and how you think it has shaped you (for better or worse). Is there something you long to do?

I work in IT as from my teenage years, I'm not a computer guru, but I know my way around an operating system. Most of the stuff I do relates to Microsoft products and much as I admire Unix, I've never really made the time to learn that much about it. Odd, considering how much command line stuff I do as part of my job. I guess in the last 10 years, I've honed my skills and my talent seem to lie in a very technical aspects. I'm not so good at the management thing - or so I'm told - which is frustrating, because if I want to move on, that's where the next step is. So, lose a good techie and gain a crap manager? :-)

I don't think my trans nature has had that much impact on my working life. Well, other than being a bit more open / relaxed around folk with different sexualities.

Now, I help out with HR by offering career / personal issue support to staff. I've always liked to help people and I guess that fits in with the need. I don't see a lot of people, but enough to make it feel like I am making a difference for someone.

As to longing to do? Hmm.... I don't think about the future too much. I used to think that getting better pay would make me happy, but since working my way to to what I think's a pretty good salary, it's no longer about the dosh; it's about value, making a difference and feeling like I've achieved something. I have written a few short stories over the years and despite sending them off, they're not quite hitting the mark. I guess I'd like to be published one day, or even just have people read my stories. I know Rhiannon continues to politely cajole me over doing stand-up. I do think about the latter, I really do. But it is little more than whimsy  at the mo. Perhaps I should spend less time on Facebook and more time writing.

RELATIONSHIPS: Single, married, long term relationship, divorced, happy to be single? How is family life?

Married... and very happily married at that. The Ever Lovely Mrs Jones and I were married in the late 90s and we're very happy together. Sure, the trans gig puts a strain on things once in a while, but we work through it. I think we've reached a compromise for us both. We can joke and laugh in a pleasant way, so it is by far and away better than I'd hoped for. In my teenage years, I wondered if I'd ever meet such a lovely girl, and if she found out about who I really was, would she stand by me?

We also have two young children: Wee Man (nearly 10) and Little Miss (half his age). I wasn't sure what I expected in being a parent, but honestly, I think it's been great. Sure, it can be hard work and yes, some old hobbies or activities (namely expensive holidays, posh meals out, etc) have to take a back seat; but having two new people come into the world and being able to help them grow, I find that amazing and very rewarding.

COMING OUT: Have you? Would you? If so, how was it? If not, why not?

I came out to my Mum when I was 17. We were both in floods of tears about it. I guess.... I felt so very confused over who I was. Ah, if only there'd been the Internet, life would have been different. Or more accurately, perhaps if I'd been calmer, life would have been different :-)

As to Mrs J, when we met, I told her it was something I used to do and at that time, that was true. What little clothes I had, I'd given away to charity. I stopped shaving my legs and I was going my best to 'go straight' - to coin a phrase. Funny thing was, while I'd thrown things away, the interest in wanting to feel pretty didn't go away. I hesitate to use the word 'desire' because it has a sexual connotation and it's more complicated than that.

Skip on a few years - near 2000 - and after a bad choice of job, I was buying clothes and dressing up. Mrs J was working shifts, so that fitted in easily enough. It all came to a head after I lied to her - yes, that's very bad - and went to a Chameleons meeting. I must have looked a sight: no make-up, no bra, just a top, long skirt and heels from BHS. Still, you've got to start somewhere! :-) I came clean to her a week later and she was understandably upset by it all. I felt so bad for what I'd done - not the dressing up, but the lying. That was the worst part. But, we worked through it and I remember her borrowing some shoes for an interview. "At least I know you've got good taste in shoes," she joked. I felt like it was a little step towards her being okay with it. I still get that feeling when I lend her something, or she asks for my advice when she's shopping.

THE WAY FORWARD: What’s next for you? What are your hopes - trans, or otherwise?

Wow, that's a tough one. I'd like to have a little more freedom over the leg hair issue. I don't like having fully carpeted legs, but equally, I'd rather not freak Mrs J out either. It's not the end of the world, but it would give me a little more flexibility over clothing choices and in the past, when I did it, having smooth legs just felt right somehow. Trans folk eh? We're a funny bunch :-)

Outside of the trans stuff, I'd like to stop taking anti-depressants. I've been taking them for a couple of years now and they've really helped. I suppose I don't want to stay on them forever, but if they keep me ticking over, I'm not going to ditch them without some serious thought.

I'd like to progress a little further in my career, but at the same time, my current employer is very good in terms of working around my family commitments. Funny, as the kids have gotten older, I think less about my job, and more about them and Mrs J.

WORDS OF WISDOM: Anything you’d like to share to a younger you or to other trans people?

That's a tougher question that the last one..... Okay.

For other trans folk :
Don't panic. You're not alone and there are lots of people out there like you. Talk to them. Make friends, even if it's social media or something. Get out if you can and push yourself. Somehow I managed it, so you can too. Don't worry about passing; just dress well and have fun. There are worse things in life than being trans. It can be cool too. :-)
For the younger me:
It will get better. You will meet someone who'll understand and she will love you, just as you love her. You will make new friends: people who care about you. There is nothing wrong with being a geek. Drink isn't the answer. Exercise when you can - walking is great for body, mind and soul. Learn to love dancing; it will be the most fun you'll have with your kit on - be they male or female clothes.
End of Line

Okay. That's my prattling on done for another night. For the meme tag, I'd like to pick seven bloggers to keep the home fires burning and if they could nominate another magnificent seven, that would be top stuff.

So - and in alphabetical order - over to you : Alex, AlexisPetraRhiannonSamStace and Sue.

I would have suggested Jonathan and Tanya, but they've already done it. Maddy, Sophie and Jenny don't run blogs, so I can't tag you either. :-\ But maybe you'll post with a bit of luck!

Take care,
Lynn

[ Today's lyric: Castaway by Greenday.... I really must get my finger out and buy the last album ]

Friday, November 09, 2012

"All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world,
So there was only one thing that I could do..."

Hi,

Today I have - in the words of Jessie's Diets - been in a buoyant mood. I think that may be due to a few lucky happen stances, a good night and just life in general being good to me. Even the Friday morning meeting slog didn't dampen my spirits. I must have been really annoying to work with today. :-)

Lies, damn lies and statistics

I'd like to say a big thank you for those of you who keep coming back, reading and commenting on this little blog of mine. Just this week the stats crept over the 100,000 mark, so thanks everyone. It's very much appreciated.



Chocolottery

In terms of little fortunes coming my way, while Chez Jones has yet to scoop a lottery win, I did win two bags of my favourite choccy snack (Maltesers) back to back. Mars, the vendor, are offering a 1 in 6 chance to win another chocolate. Despite grumbling earlier in the week that I rarely won anything - and I buy Maltesers daily - it was a very pleasant surprise to win a free bag..... and then to find that the winning bag then let me win again. Result!

Out

Despite managing to be late home pretty much every day this week, somehow I got myself sorted and the kids read to before 8pm. With dad duties sorted and a quick peck on the cheek with the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones, it was off to Nuthall for a t-girl's night out.

I'd got my outfit choice down to one. I know, shocking isn't it. Actually, that's not 100% true, I had taken a long skirt - floor length - along to try on. More on that later on. But the evening's outfit was slightly shiny black leggings (not PVC), a new purple-white skater style dress/long top and my new boots.


Now, the boots, they arrived about two weeks ago. I bought them with what was left of my birthday money and I think they are the most expensive footwear I've ever bought. Perhaps to some folk, ninety quid doesn't seem like a lot, but it's a lot more than my regular clothes budget! My, they were fine and I've been very happy with my purchase. Sadly, I forgot to unpack my camera, so you'll just have to take my word that I felt great in said items. ;-)

Time Line?

We had a visit from a student who was doing research into the trans community and if there is any domestic violence. As far as I know, there's no direct correlation, but I can think of two people who may have been affected at certain points of their lives. The question was also raised over what constitutes abuse? Someone suggested that domestic abuse isn't necessarily physical, it can be bullying or emotional trouble too. The old cliché of "you wouldn't do this if you loved me" springs to mind.... not that I've heard that personally.

That lead us on to the generic life path for t-folk.... well, I can only draw from my own and friend's experiences, so please, don't consider this to be gospel. If your story is different, that's what the comments box is for. ;-) So back to the matter in hand, in some cases, the trans life path runs a bit like this:
  • Early years: curious about how girl clothes feel. Wonder why some clothes are for boys, some for girls.
  • Young (eight to eleven?): realise that there are some things boys don't do. Learn to lie about your feelings and hide them.
  • Teenage years: Not pleasant for many folk. For trans teenagers, you've got spots, peer pressure, coming to terms (or not) with who you are and the fact that you're turning into an adult. From a male trans point of view, that's facial & body hair (yuk!) and you're going to 'man up'. Good bye childish/girlish frame.
  • Twenties/Thirties: learn to hide your feelings. Maybe buy clothes, have a chuck out / purge. Start dating, get a job, etc. Maybe explore cross-dressing more. The drive to 'be you' gets more and more.
  • Forties: The drive to 'be yourself' is no longer a quiet call, but a bloomin' great foghorn. :-)
Most of the t-folk at Chameleons seem to be in the 30s, 40s and 50s age bracket, so my view on the above is coloured by that. Certainly, I seem to be seeing a shift to people coming along earlier, so more people in their 30s, than 40s. I wonder if the old line about your nature affirming itself in your 30/40s, rings true? The idea that in your teens and twenties, you are discovering who you are and your environment shapes you. However, that's that twin track race of nature vs nurture and the older you get, the more you revert to the former. Or so I've read. :-)

So we had a good chat about complete nonsense, as well as a few deeper moments about how Chameleons offers trans people friendship, a chance to socialise with people like themselves and support too. I mean, just today, I gave a friend a call as she'd not managed to make it to the evening. That touches on something someone said during the chat, that being trans, it's not just about clothes. It is, and I've said this before on this blog, that it goes right through your core being; I won't say that I'm female, but I will say I have traits that are more typically associated with women. That's not to say I don't have male element too; I do. It's just that I seem to have a mix of both genders, whereas my non-trans friends seem to have a majority share in their own respective genders.

After a quick announcement about next week's Christmas Do and asking for volunteers for the catering, it was off to the pub. We had quite a turn out, what with our guest, Sophie, Alison, Rhiannon and Tanya. Luckily the car park was fairly empty. We had a good long chat and Tanya & I tried our hand at The Fairy Tale of New York. The latter was good fun and I really enjoyed hearing the other pub goers start to sing along... thankfully, more tunefully than I. Time marched on and it was time to head home. Purse and heart a little lighter. All good stuff!

Take care
Lynn

[ Today's lyric: Jesus Built My Hot Rod by Ministry ]

Friday, November 02, 2012

"Me no fear the reaper."


Hey all,

I seem to do most of my blogging in one of two places. At home, where I'm sat comfortably in a large leather chair, tucked away upstairs, but not quite far enough away from the Skype based yells of glee from Wee Man and his on-line gaming buddies. Failing that, at work with a personal laptop late on a Friday. Friday afternoons are funny things. Well, they are to me :-) There's that element of excitement that it'll be the weekend soon and speaking personally, I find something rather magical about Friday nights. I guess it's the idea that it's a gateway to the weekend. So currently, I'm sat at work looking out of the dark glass into the early evening. The clocks have gone back, so Autumn is well and truly upon us.

A Few Short Years

It was our anniversary the other day. Fifteen lovely years between the Ever Foxy Mrs Jones and myself. I am, perhaps obviously, very glad of that ever lengthening number. I don't state that as a smug-married-person, moreover someone who is thankful that we keep working at our relationship. I mean, somehow we muddle through what life throws at us. I feel a twinge of guilt at some of the sh** I've brought to the door, so to speak. The bad times of a rubbish job in the 90s, my coming out over being trans and the bouts of depression last year or so.

But, to use a well love phrase: it's not all bad news. I've never cheated on Mrs J (and never wish to). Yes, I am far from perfect in terms of housework, but I try to do bits here and there. I'm not a sports fan, so no disappearing to the terraces on a Saturday, nor insisting on watching the match / Sky Sports, etc. I'm not a big drinker, but I do like to go out with the (t)girls once in a while. I don't forget our anniversaries and there is always something along with the card: be that flowers, jewellery, books, etc. Things that I know she'll like. I don't get cross when she doesn't do the same, because unlike me, Mrs J's work is way out of town and with the late afternoon school run, she's not got that much time on her hands. I try to keep the trans stuff away from family life as I can. It's not always easy, but I do what I can to keep it under wraps where possible. Mind you, looking at the positive, having a trans-partner means you will get more thought put into material gifts. ;-) What about you, dear reader, do you find it tough to keep all the plates spinning, or have you worked out some magic formula to keep everyone happy? If you know the secrete of the latter, I'd love to know :-)

Don't fear the Reaper?

In other news, I was listening to the radio today and there was talk about a book / art thingy about death. No, not the tall, bony dude with the big cloak and the scythe  Alternatively, and for Sandman fans, not the cute gothic girl either. :-) Okay, I think I've tortured that gag enough - let's move on.

I tuned in midway through the piece, so I missed the start of it. The bit that made me think was that we - we being western society - don't give much thought to our own passing. Now, being an ego-centric blogger / comment tart, off went my imagination into what the folk meant by that. Do I think about my own passing? My legacy? Those I leave behind? What if I died tomorrow?

To be honest, no, I don't think about any of those things. I have, when the Black Dog was with me, thought about death. I wondered what would happen if I was no longer here. From a practical point of view, I'm well insured, although having had that bump in the car last year was a reminder on how precarious life can be. Plus, Wee Man was upset as I was off ill the other day. He's a sensitive soul, bless him, and seeing me laid out - not literally - freaked him out a bit. Likewise  my own dad, I worry about him too. He's not getting any younger and there will be a time when he's not longer with us. That, I do find upsetting.

As a family, the Jones Massive are fairly tight knit (Ed: and highly strung? :-P ), so I'm confused by those who have family relationships that are not as close. I'm not saying the latter are wrong, or lesser in any way; just different to what I am used to. Perhaps it seems odd, in that I'm not overly worried about me going. I more worried about other people passing on instead. I don't know if that makes me sound more selfish or not! :-) Maybe I've still got to get my head around the idea that one day, I won't be here.

I'll be honest with you and say that I was more worried about getting old - or maybe more accurately, getting older :-) - than I used to be. I think that's probably vanity talking. But being what I am, make-up can cover a few sins, so it's not exactly the end of the world is it? Part of me would rather grow old gracefully than do the 1661 thing. You know, 16 from the back, 61 from the front. :-) Mind you, I'd make a rough looking 16 year old :-D

So legacy? The obvious answer is my family. I hope that I've done enough to give them enough love and understanding, so they can make their own way in the world when I'm no longer with them. I suppose from the point of this blog, it may well be that if Google keeps running this service (and I don't delete the account), that these words could well be here when I'm no longer here to update them.

Between you and I, that's part of the reason I started this here blog. Well, the other two being to connect with people and also in the hope that someone would find the message that if I can handle this trans stuff, so can they. So going back to the original reason, the idea of leaving something behind. I guess it's more than a little egocentric, but hey, I think you need a certain amount of self-importance to think that what you write (Ed: drone?) somehow would want to be read by others, But that aside, I sometimes get blog followers who aren't trans and I wonder what they (or even social historians?) make of all this. Perhaps I'll never know, they don't tend to comment. Perhaps they come here to look for plus size shoes and boots. :-)

Take care
Lynn

[ Today's lyric: MeNoFearTheReaper (Concrete No Fee No Fear Mix) by Pop Will Eat Itself ]