Deep breath and concentrate, Lynn....
It's been a bit of a mixed bag since my last blog entry. There's been some good stuff and some not so good stuff. I'll get the
Given last week's mental... issues... I had high hopes for Chameleons this time around. Funny, really; I could have really done with some 'Lynn mode' this week, yet it did not come to pass. Or more accurately, not completely. Home was fine, work didn't hold me back, but the weather - for me at least - was just too much. I was late leaving home and on the way there, I just got hotter and hotter. By the time I arrived, the last thing I felt my body need was to pile on a face full of make-up and don a wig + shape wear for the night. I'm a cold weather bird at heart. Give me log fires, hot chocolate, boots, a good scarf and long walks in the crisp autumn air. Don't get me wrong, I like a bit of sunshine, but not when it's blazing hot. Honestly, there's no pleasing me is there? ;-)
Head-wise, I think I could have gone with a bit of glamour or whatever it is that resets the trans switch in me..... and yet, despite feeling rather upset at the disappointment of not doing so, as the evening rolled on, so I started to feel a lot better. I think it was a mix of being with friends and despite being sat around like Chewbacca at a surf contest, I did begin to relax and cheer up. I think it may be because at Chameleons I don't feel any pressure to 'man up' and we can (and do) talk about anything and everything.... sometimes strictly for laughs, sometimes more seriously.
It was probably as I was talking to Alison about how her trip had gone to Sparkle, when I started being a bit more honest. She asked how I was and my brain gave out as I thought about rolling out the usual line of 'oh, okay really.' Instead I smiled and said in all honesty, a bit sh** to be honest. Sorry, mrs. So the conversation rolled on and knowing that I'm not alone in trying to keep the British stiff upper lip, helped. Kate (J) had popped in for her second visit and we had a good long natter about various topics: how her transition was going, work acceptance, family stuff (hers and mine), etc. All good - as she would say ;-) Sadly, no sign of Rhi as - like me - the weather had proved too much and I can't say I blame her.
The Unusual Suspects rolled in later on and conversation, snacks (there goes the diet!) and drinks were the order of the day. At one point, I was talking to Tanya and a thought struck me as we were joking about wedding outfits (no, not the bridal fantasy that some t-folk seem to have), more the struggle to keep the Pink Fog at bay during a social occasion. Those occasions where you are suited and booted, but would feel a lot more comfortable frocked and heeled. (Ed: are those last two even words? :-P).
Anyhoo, I remember asking: "At what point did a roving eye switch to dress jealousy?". I think that is one of my main problems.... well, lets not go into the others, there's only so much bandwidth and time after all, ;-) But jokes aside - and how can I put this? - I do seem women who I think are pretty. Of late though, its less about the fact that they are pretty and more that I am not. Soooo, I think what I need to do is try to stop worrying about what I don't have, and instead, start looking at what I do. I don't think it will be easy, but I think it's the only way forward.
The other option would be to pursue what I consider to be 'the impossible dream' in that given my height, build and bone structure, I'm never going to look girly. I'm not saying that to fish for compliments, I think that you can dress well, you can look good, but.... if I did go full time, I'd never be happy with how I looked. It's more to do with were I am mentally, that how I look. Even if there was some magical / sci-fi transformation system, and the gender fairy waved her magic activation console and I was 100% female I'd still not be happy. No doubt in part that I know that I'd have to leave my family and they mean too much to me to do that. I need to try and become comfortable with who I am, again.
So, a poor start week-wise, but ending on a good note. Fingers crossed the good mood will continue into the weekend. I've a new mobile to play with, I'm off on a course next week and the weather's taken a turn towards the cooler. All good stuff really.
Thanks for reading,
[ Today's lyric: In Too Deep by Sum 41 ]