Friday, July 20, 2012

"He's trying his best to understand the 'cause of his dismay"


Hi,

Today's post is a bit of a tough one to write. Not that I've run out of stuff & nonsense to chat about, but.... ah, you'll see in a mo. I had thought about talking about careers, jobs and progress, but I guess I'll save that for another day. It seems that.... and how I hate to say it, I'm in danger of slipping back into sharing company with the Black Dog. It is not, all encompassing, but it is there.

Y'see, I do and don't want to talk about it. The don't comes into it as I don't want to allow myself to be defined by this, nor do I want to feel as I do. Additionally, I am conscious that this emptying-of-my-head post will seem like another woe-is-me stream of consciousness, which to be honest, doesn't hold a lot of interest for me as a blogger. :-\ Yes, I feel a little off it, but then we all do on occasion. What's annoying me about it is the sleeplessness at night, tiredness during the day and my memory and concentration are not what they should be. The Ever Lovely Mrs Jones has been noticing the latter and has (politely) voiced her frustration (and then concern) that I seem to be slipping.

Talking of which, we did talk about why, when there's anything 'wrong' (my words) with my behaviour, I blame it on my depression. Well, maybe there's a reason for that; if I'm falling asleep on the sofa, it's because I feel very tired. If I can't remember anything, it's because my subconscious is (at least I assume) busy doing something else. If I feel little joy in activities, it's because of you-know-what, the Big D. I do see her point in that being able to pin the blame on a condition rather that me, means technically, I'm off the hook. Ergo: there's nothing I can do about it - which, by the way, I don't subscribe to. Yet, if I had a broken arm, would there be the same level of discussion around why I was behaving a certain way? Ah, the fun of an invisible illness! :-P

I am keeping busy with work, reading rather than brooding and walking to keep myself going..... but I think they're all just delaying tactics. I still don't know if you can fight this.... blackness... off, or if you just have to sit it out. Anwers on a postcard to the usual address.

It was also said that "I bet it is trans related". As I said to Mrs J, I don't feel it is. I just think that things aren't going right upstairs (as in, in my head) and I've just got to keep going, not give in, etc. I didn't feel it was due to trans stuff and yet, much later, I thought about this. What if it is? I know that pushing to go out more, or be more femme (smooth legs, ears pierced, Sparkle, Invasion, etc) will not be good for our relationship. If I'm honest, much as the previous ideas make the trans part of me sit up and clap its well manicured hands, I don't think it is the answer.... Or perhaps, more honestly, I hope it is not the only answer, because I don't think it would work for both of us. As much as I don't want to feel as I do now, I don't want to drive my lovely wife away.

Heh. Considering I wrote that I didn't want to talk about it, I think I've rattled on enough about that. :-) Still, sometimes it helps to get things out into the open and work it out. On the upside, there are a couple of birthday parties for friends & family and I've got some good books to work my way through. I've also got a short story I need to finish off. Oh, talking of the latter, I think there was a LGBT author meeting last night, but I didn't get around to checking it out, nor going along. Maybe one for the future.

Righto. Deep breath. Pull a smile from somewhere (no, not *there*) and man up (oh the irony) until it's Chameleons next week.

Take care,
Lynn

[ Today's lyric: Fifteen Years by The Levellers ]

8 comments:

  1. Hard times ~ all too common at times. All I would say is resist as the more you have the more you want.

    I read once that the more you smile, however forced initially, induces happiness. Maybe this is the answer !

    Becca
    X

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    1. Perhaps more smiling and less worrying is in order then? :-)

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  2. If it helps, I know a lot of people who are having sleeping right now. Myself included. I think its the unsettled weather. Sudden changes in temperature, humidity and light are messing with our sleeping routines.

    Not to say that there aren't other problems, but the insomnia probably isn;t the one to worry about solving.

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    1. True, Pan, True. Like most folk, if I don't sleep right, I am all over the place. I suppose my worry is that in the past - when Things Were Bad (tm) - my sleep patterns were shot. So, when things start to go awry, like sleep, mood, etc, I.... I think I panic a little over it.... which doesn't help.

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  3. Mmm, some resonances there. The spells where almost every facet of life feels like "going through the motions". And, like an infant who cruises round a room not walking but holding onto a series of supports, living life from one marker day to the next.
    I'm lucky: something usually turns up, and things brighten. And in the meantime, the worst curse would be to live a life which has no ups and downs. Take care xx

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    1. No ups & downs would be awful: robotic, I guess. No thanks. :-)

      Today's been good, both from events and mood. The sun shone, the kids played in the park, I sat down and just enjoyed the day for what it was. What's not to like? Perhaps thinking more on what I do have, rather than what I don't, is the way forward.

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  4. Lynn - thank you for the balance with which you approach this topic. Without wishing to appear voyeuristic, the insights you provide into this topic are really insightful. I've recently been thinking that I need to approach my Dr to discuss the whole issue as I have seen through your words that actually what I thought was just me and was what everyone is like may not be the case.

    From reading lots of trans blogs, it isn't an issue that receives a lot of coverage, but must be highly prevelant. If people are anything like me (poor them), spending every day all day pretending to be something you aren't, kinda get's to you after a while. I acknowledge you never claim to be ts and I'm not sure I am either, but I know that every 5-10 minutes of my life I think about the fact that I'm not a girl and it makes me feel sad and wrong.

    Anyway, you blog on the subject in a very practical way by just telling your life story and I for one find it really helpful.

    So thanks.
    Rhi x

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Rhi. Did you watch any of the Four Goes Mad season with Ruby Wax? I found that quite uplifting - perhaps ironic given that it was a programme about depression. Yet, flippant gags aside, knowing that I wasn't alone in my feelings and that others have walked the same path - and survived - really helped. Maybe that was the whole point of the coming out / sharing point of the show.

      The first time I went to see the quack, said gent suggested I take a holiday. Yes, thanks for that doctor. That was really helpful. :-\ The second time - and on Mrs Jones's suggestion - I asked if any of the doctors specialised in depression and the doctor I spoke to was very helpful. He had an interest in the subject and listening patiently and without judgement as I lost it, descending into tears. To this day, I don't know if those tears were relief, shame or a weird mix of the two. Still, it was a start on the road to recovery.

      Good luck with your journey, mrs <<>>

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