Saturday, June 02, 2012

"You're in then you're out,
You're up then you're down..."

Hi folks,

Yeah, I'm a day late. The Black Dog ate my homework ;-)

Despite the consumption of my plans, said beast didn't hang around too long. Mind you, I don't mind an hour or so, but two days in the company of said metaphorical hound was not good. Do I know why? No, not really. All is well on Planet Jones: I'm good, my family are safe & sound, work is going well and really, I'm not sure analysing my feelings truly helps. What does is regular exercise, the odd afternoon kip to top up the batteries and plenty of good, old fashioned, English cure-all: a nice cup of tea. Decaff, mais oui!

Over on Facebook, a friend made a joke about shopping habits while at work and then on Angel and Princess Blog, Laura's published the Marie Claire article as a PDF. It's a great read and please do take the time to take it in.

Anyways, both items made me wonder about being out. I know that some of you who read this here blog are out. Some by choice, some by necessity. For someone who is in the closet - at least in terms of my family (the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones exempt) and working life - I am curious about those of you who are not. Not so much 'the grass is greener' as how the other half live.

The above said, what about those of you - like me - who've decided to stay away from the public (okay, we'll exclude nights out and shopping), what made you decide to stay in?

Take care,
Lynn "I'll be on time next week" Jones

[ Today's lyric: Hot & Cold by Kate Perry ]

12 comments:

  1. Glad to hear that you are ok Lynn, was hoping there wasn't a major problem: your blogs are like Sheldon's bowel movements in The Big Bang Theory. One can normally set a watch by them. In fact I think Greenwich were getting concerned that the whole of the world time axiom was wrong and that they'd mixed Friday up with another day.

    I am not completely out - but about 30-40 people know and it is increasing bit by bit. There are definite upsides to people knowing. Whilst I hoped it would lead to me being able to dress in front of normal folk, that hasn't arisen (but that's more because of me than them, I'm fat and lack the confidence).

    The problem is that just because you are out doesn't necessarily make it easier. With the people who are cool with it, being able to talk about it and be myself is worth it. I can talk about nail polish, things I'm buying, men I'm fancying (oops) and they are lovely and kind. To be fair, no-one 's been horrible, but there are a few people for whom things are a little more awkward to be around.

    The downside as far as I can see for most people who have come out is the loss of control of the message. You have to sign away the right to pass the message on. You take the risk that people you didn't necessarily want to be out to, find out and tell other people and it gets to places you didn't expect. 90% of the time that's probably cool, sometimes it isn't. Once you are comfortable with the loss of control around it, its less difficult to deal with.

    To finish (sorry, didn't mean to witter): the feeling of telling people who say they don't care about it and still love you, or that they think more of you for being so honest and brave is phenomenal. From feeling that I needed to hide and never being my true self because I worried people would hate it, to actually being closer to a lot of people because I've lifted the barrier, it just amazing.

    That was too long and all over the place. Sorry. :o) Have a great Jubilee Weekend Lynn.

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    1. Yes, storm in a B cup and all that.... not that it was very pleasant at the time, but I'm alive and I've had worse. Not sure I want to know about Sheldon's motions TBH :-D

      Glad to read being out to a few folk is working out for you. I think the openness is one of the best parts about it; certainly, the fact that you don't have to avoid certain conversational topics is great IMO.

      I wonder if it's a case that if more of us come out, the more and more it'll be just an everyday thing that folk aren't bothered by. Hell, I can dream. ;-)

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  2. 99.9% What kept/keeps me closeted ...
    mainly the face ROFL ;
    or the need to be husband ( love honour and be bitched about ), the need to keep down a steady job,
    the need to be Dad to my kids , Uncle to my nieces/nephews.

    0.1% What allowed me to be 'out'
    A William wallace cry of 'FREEDOM' and chance to wear a check skirt oops Kilt;
    or that my children were suddenly adults ( over 21 ) and growed up and able to chat and take the michael,
    i felt i had more 'me' time.


    What keeps me smiling -
    the fact that i took that out of the closet step ( can still chuckle at those first click clack heels down the pavement )
    the fact that there are such a great group of girls/guys out there who are willing to listen/understand.

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    1. I think passing is over-rated, but at the same time, I think I can see why you'd want to keep trans matters apart from family/working life. It's complicated enough without adding more into the mix! :-)

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  3. what about those of you - like me - who've decided to stay away from the public (...), what made you decide to stay in?

    Circumstances and Fear. Those are the two main reasons that come to mind.

    But you know I've already blogged about this in Eight Questions — and more extensively in Stealth.

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    1. > Circumstances and Fear

      Good enough ;-) Oh and two things:

      1) Famous relative? I'm curious and please don't share (privately or otherwise) if you'd rather not.

      2) August 15th is approaching. Any plans? :-D

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    2. 1) Ian McKellen. There's no problem sharing that, but I usually use "famous relative" when talking about him because, while he's quite close to my mother and sister, I don't know him very well myself, so using "Ian" outside the family would seem like inappropriate name-dropping.

      2) Not really, no. But anyway, "famous relative" came out on national radio and then, soon after, on prime time television (Wogan). I'm unlikely to be able to match that whatever I do ;)

      Probably it'll just mean making sure it's above the radar for my close family or something. And a commitment that, if anyone ever asks (not that they ever do), they get an unequivocal reply.

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    3. 1. A famous (and rather cool) uncle indeed. That trumps my celebrity bungie jump with Janet Ellis - which I didn't just make up ;-) Twas Mr McKellen's birthday the other day too. Funny how little facts circle and join up.

      2. Good luck with this one! <<>>

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  4. Glad you're feeling better, Lynn. As you know, I had my own immersion into the dog/fog conundrum for a few days. Not an experience I would want to go through often.

    Although, I do tend to be able to get out into public on a reasonably regular basis, I am not out to a lot of people. Maybe about 20 to 25. Outside of the T-community, I have very few friends. However, I do know a lot of people from work, running, sports, etc., many who I could call as acquaintances. Whether, I am comfortable enough with them to divulge my other hobby, I'm really not sure.

    I have now decided not to cover or hide the T-side if asked about it, but only within reason. As Rhiannon said, once out it would be very difficult to control the spread of the message, so, for instance, I will not open up about it at my very male-dominated workplace due to the large number of people I know there.

    In chit-chat, I do find it difficult to be consistent and yet imaginative with relating what I was up to on my 'social' trips up north. Covering it up by tales of running may not work, as it's quite easy to find out if a race was on or not, what the conditions were, who entered, etc. So I just say I was out with friends, not mentioning the T-side. This presents another problem that when I am asked about going out clubbing with my work colleagues, I have to decline. I know it will not be as enjoyable as going out in Tanya mode.

    One thing I have started to do is to pass my blog address to people who know about Tanya, whom I feel would be interested in the life and thoughts of a trans person and hopefully spread a positive message about it to others.

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    1. Ta for the kind words and I hope the hound has moved on from your house too. <<>>

      I've a few friends - not Facebook friends - but people I do take the time to visit, chat to etc. Of them, I'm out to one friend and from the 'him' Facebook stream, I've two friends who know. Like you, I've think I've made more friends in the trans community.

      I'm with you on the 'going out with friends' stance. I just refer to the trans massive by their male names (at least those who have them and those I know) and it's simply referred to as at the pub or round a mate's house. :-)

      Putting the blog about sounds a good idea. At least they can dip in if they're interested.

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  5. Its not a secret but then its not shouted from the rooftop either. I'm sure any half evolved tranny-dar (t-dar?) Would know.

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    1. Memories of a Republica lyric in your comment, Lucy. Clearly, I need to get out more :-)

      Perhaps that's the best to deal with it: no announcement, but no denial either.

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