Friday, May 11, 2012

"It didn't fit, it wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know, When you know.
I don't know."


Hiya,

It's been a strange and not always pleasant week. Nothing particularly serious, just a build up of life's little niggles. I seem to be battling with technical stuff at work and that coupled with a visit of Pink Fog  (more on that later), seem to be making a rather unhealthy mess. Still - and to coin a phrase from a far more educated chap than I - "When you're going through Hell, keep going." Not that I was going through Hell, morelike the distant suburbs. You know, the grass is a little warm underfoot, the air doesn't always reek of sulphur and the discordant wails of Justin Bieber is far off. :-P

So, Pink Fog? It's been a while since I've had a dose from that particular monster (Ed: she means a week according to her last Facebook post). I think it was late last week / over the weekend where I began to really feel the negativity of it. It's that creeping feeling of disquiet and sadness that something's not right in the way you look. Not so much the melodrama of "what is the point", but more the nagging suspicion that when you catch your reflection - in the mirror, your shadow or even a shop window - what looks back at you, isn't, well, isn't quite you. Perhaps more accurately, what looks back doesn't match how you feel on the inside. Don't worry, I won't be wheeling out the cliche about being trapped ;-)

I don't enjoy those feelings and I do what I can to keep them at bay. Read, walk, write, anything but sit about or look at fashion. Part of me worries that's a bit of denial - which in itself, is not good - while another part thinks that thinking about the positive elements of my life would be better. Is that wish for the mirror to show how I feel inside, just trans fantasy or a hint of something deeper? I suppose we all have doubts and fears, yet chuck the trans factor into the mix and for me at least, it all seems that the transgender stuff is the root cause (to use an ITism).

Still, I didn't do anything hasty and come Thursday night, such worries seemed far away. Yay for the good times! I was in two minds about going, or rather, two minds about all the prep that's required. Packing, a close shave, getting there, etc. I shouldn't have worried as it all came good in the end. I did have an eye make-up fail earlier on. I tried a new liquid liner but it just didn't work for me. Not so much wonky as just.... messy. I shall stick to my tried and trusted eye liner pencils instead. At least you can smudge those to alter the look. My loss was Maddy's gain though :-) Given I had to re-do my eyes, I put the usual pallet of browns and golds away, opting for some very soft pink and groovy purples. Well, it is spring time. :-)

After a quick chat with the Chams Massive, I headed off with Jess, Sophie and Maddy to catch up with the girls in the pub. Well, at least after I changed my shoes. I had gone for heels + leggings, but with thin tights, the heels were a mite uncomfortable. So, a quick change into my new flat pumps was required. Honestly, in flats, whatever next? I'll be in jeans and a sensible top next. ;-) We were earlier than usual, so there was chance for a good chat - a heart to heart in certain cases - and then a bit of Karaoke and a dance. All in all, a truly fine evening. Next week is Invasion, so I shall cross my fingers about attending that.

Oh, while I've got your attention (at least I hope so!), two surveys came out this week about what it's like to be trans. One's UK based, the other is a wider European one for LGBT folk.

Take care,
Lynn

[ Today's lyric: Just Like the Movies by Katy Perry ]

2 comments:

  1. Pretty much my experience with liquid eyeliner. I'm sure you need to be much more skilled than I am.

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    1. Indeed. Perhaps if we made the time and had a large supply of make-up wipes, we could make a go of it? Then again, time and fashions change, so I think I'll stick with my trusty eye-pencil.

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