Friday, February 03, 2012

"Hello, good evening and welcome to nothing much"


Hello dear reader,

How's things with you? Things here on Planet Jones are good.... no, actually, good is perhaps overstating it; interesting may be more accurate :-) Bad would be the wrong choice of words as I've a lot to be thankful for: my arm is on the mend, the replacement car is working out nicely, etc. It's great to be able to get out of the house and take the kids to school / walk the dog. It's also fairly easy to get to work and, yeah, working life can be a pain at times, but it's also a very social place - or certainly, where I work, it is.

So why the use of the word 'interesting'? Well, as your sitting comfortably, I had my first appointment for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy this week. I'm still not sure about it and I feel it would be wrong of me to write it off after just one discussion.

However.... :-)

Having read a little about it, it all seems to make sense and seems a good idea from my layman's perspective. It would be trite to say 'postive thinking helps', but that's not wholly inaccurate. I do know that while you're off it - or seriously down in the case of some poor souls - the last thing you / they want to do is anything. Yet, getting up, taking some exercise, visiting/talking with people is often just what's required. I'm doing all that and I'm not feeling the cloying embrace of a deep blue funk. Again, more to be thankful for.

So we come to the discussion about what triggers the darker episodes. We must have spent about forty minutes going over the idea and I just didn't get it. I did start to get very frustrated, partly at myself for not being able to articulate what I felt. That and my inability to understand what the councillor was talking about - and yes, I did as him to explain it in simple terms. :-) It didn't help. Doh.

Perhaps that we've (I've?) not hit pay dirt on the concept of what  triggers the depression, I'm still thinking that it's very random. What I mean is, there are days - no, were days back in the past - where I'd wake up and just getting out of bed was a big deal. Times when I'd sit in the car and the effort to lift my arm to open the door and pull myself from the seat seemed like I was lifting a telly. I never thought it could be like that and having gone though that, when someone says they've got depression, my heart goes out to them.

Sure, I know that the Pink Fog - or maybe more accurately, the occasional jealousy - I get when seeing womenfolk may not help. But.... I've not mentioned this because I'm slightly concerned that if I do talk about the trans factor (Ed: it's like the X Factor, only the outfits are sooo much better :-P), the session will lock on to that and lead us down a dead end. Not that CBT seems to hold any answers about the past, apparently it's all about protecting yourself against issues in the future. Somehow you're supposed to not talk about the past but look at what happened. I find that rather confusing.

I also know that if I upset the kids / the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones, or foul things up at work, the guilt seems to twist around on itself and come back to far more negative feelings. Y'know, I really don't want to have to concentrate on the negative and have to trawl up bad feelings to play pin-the-tail-on-the-depressive as I can't help but think that stirring it all up - but "don't talk about the past" - isn't healthy. It's almost like I'm having to analyse my feelings to the Nth degree and pour over them so we can fill out some boxes on a sheet. Ahh... maybe shouldn't be so negative, perhaps there'll be some colouring in later on. :-P

Early days I guess, so I hope that I get my head around the concept and the course improves. I do know of two other folk who've been down this route and they were less than positive about its use. Ho hum! Third time's a charm eh? :-)

In other news, it's Chameleons next week and a fortnight today, Invasion. I guess I better get my finger out and find out if Mrs J's got any plans. Again, you can but hope.

Take care,
Lynn
x

[ Today's lyric: The Only Living Boy in New Cross by Carter, the Unstoppable Sex Machine.... only 20 years ago. Sheesh. ;-) ]

10 comments:

  1. " the guilt seems to twist around on itself and come back to far more negative feelings"
    Yes I can identify with that. I have a knack of blaming myself for stuff that wasn't even my fault, and imagining the worst.
    See you Thursday.
    Take care. x :o)

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    1. Cheery thoughts eh? :-) Still, best think about the good things in life. Health, family, friends, fancy times out. See you Thursday and - with luck - next Friday too!

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  2. Strange how these things arise. Last Friday I had a long phone conversation (OK, she talked, I listened!) with a close friend about her depression. I think she did mention CBT, but I think I then had my mind on the motorbike test! Anyway, the scope of it was her trying to take a third person analysis rather than feel that she had to actively fix everything which was wrong in her life there and then. Not sure if I've explained that well but it sounds (to me) close to what you've described.

    I wish you all the very best with the therapy. As you say, it's early days, but you come over as a very articulate and eloquent person, so it's just a matter of finding that connection of the thoughts bouncing about and the dictionary / thesaurus. I quite understand how difficult that is.

    Have fun on Thursday and next Friday!! No swinging one-armed from the chandeliers to show off!! :-) xx

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    1. Hi Tanya,

      I hope you're on the mend after your FB post of t'other day. <<>>

      Yes, I'm with you on Compulsory Basic Training... Hmmm.. that's going to skew the search engine results. Then again: IT, biking and trans - it all seems to fit together somehow.

      From what you've said, that sounds about right and thanks for the kind words. You're right on the money with trying to find the right words: the thoughts are there, it's just explaining them correctly.

      No chandeliering? Pants, and I'd got my best Errol Flynn outfit sorted too. :-)

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  3. Hi Lynn,
    I'm sure you feel everthing just as you say, but feeling depressed is a very personal thing - too personal for comfort or rational analysis. All I can say is that my Mum had a very bad spell and it was only when she spent a few weeks in the local mental hospital (yes, there was one, only a decade ago!) she realised that although she felt terrible etc etc there were cases far worse than hers. I suppose it was a bit like when you go to casualty bleeding and in pain and somebody is wheeled in past you with their leg hanging off.
    Not that this will help much, but I hope that you can get somethng from the therapy and that it helps you do what we all have to do. Me, I'm with Douglas Adams.
    All the best
    Penny

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    1. Hi,

      Sorry to hear that your Mum went through it too. Sometimes seeing others in a worse state - actually, that's not quite how I meant to put it, but it'll do! Sometimes, that's the metaphysical splash of cold water to the face that you need, to come out of it for a moment and see that it's not all bad. If you're lucky, that happens as you're on the way away from the Black Dog. :-)

      > Me, I'm with Douglas Adams

      Hmm? As in "so long and thanks for all the fish"? :-)

      Lynn
      x

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  4. I do think that CBT can be useful - so I regret writing this, but I used CBT for my weight loss. Hmmmm...

    I think it was my willpower that was lacking rather than the CBT that was a fault. No damnit, it was the CBT, it definitely was :o)

    *skips off, taking no blame at all*

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    1. LOL. You can have CBT for that? But then, why not. If you're eating for comfort - or any other reason - is it a bit like drinking too much, or playing dangerous sports, etc.

      Actually, don't answer that! :-)

      Lynn
      x

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  5. I have researched it before, previous to that I thought it stood for some kind of workplace training. Hope it all goes well for you. xx

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    1. Hi Lucy,

      Oddly, a few HR related topics keep crossing over into CBT territory. As to it working out, I'm not sure yet. I'm finding it slow going and the last session didn't help my mood at all. Maybe you have to fall down to get further up?

      Lynn
      x

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