Friday, October 22, 2010

"I was breaking out of my own skin,
Choking upon release,
I'm in no state, to judge you..."

Hi folks,

Winter seems to have arrived. Frozen windscreens, leaves turning brown and a rush to get the kids into their coats before we go. All the apples have gone from the trees in our garden. Many have been boxed or given away. We had a bumper crop this year. Stuff to be thankful for eh? Then today, a bright dose of late sunshine to melt the cobwebs away.

Tuesday

Therapy time again. We seem to have fixed it all to the trans railroad and off we go along it. I've been keeping a track of my moods, just a series of dots in Notepad. Any day that's more than a 5, I think of that as being typical; normal even. It's been helpful. Being able to look back and see a small pattern and one that's slowly rising upwards. Sure, I'm not fully out of the woods, but I can see the hedgerows and open fields. At least I'm out of the darkness and there's no distant bark of wolves. Okay... that's enough with that metaphor ;-)

So what have we discussed? Initially, turmoil within my family - not my as in Mrs J and the nippers - but Jones Senior. Then the birth of Little Miss and how it affected me. To be honest, the birth was fine - no complications for her or Mrs J. Little Miss is by no means a screamer (not like my friend had). Lastly, the trans stuff and perhaps most accurately, my body image. Not that I need to have bits amended - let's keep it clean ;-) - but certainly appearance plays a part of it.

Sure, many days I sport a day or two's stubble because I'm in such a rush and I'm just not bothered about a bit of beard hair day to day. Yet, arm-wise and leg-wise, there are days when it does bother me. It is those areas that seem out of kilter, even when I can't see them as they're under a top or shirt. I had a chat with the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones about this. I picked a time when neither of us seemed uptight or where tired and hoped we could talk about this without it getting into an argument. We kept it civil and while I won't be sporting smooth pins, we didn't have a bust up over it. That was the Monday and the following day I talked it over. The councillor suggested that the depression maybe down to the fact that I'm as 'out' as I can be and if I wanted to push things further, it would need to be done with Mrs J and not alone. Given the finite nature of the appointments, I think next week will be the last one.

I've talked again to Mrs J about all of this and she says she's not keen on the idea of couples counselling. Even if we went at different times - because, what about the kids? - she said she wasn't sure what value it would add. She also said, how much to you trust these judgements? A little part of me (Ed: no, not that bit) wonders if the trans stuff has flared up because I'm upset, rather than it being the cause of the upset. There's a difficult call to make. As I waited for the bus back, I caught sight of water running down the gutter (hence the snap). If there's a blockage, the downhill flow doesn't stop - it just backs up, the pressure building up and up until something gives. Maybe that was the problem. Just a build up of lots of small things?

The interviews, if you want to call them that, have been effectively three periods of an hour. Can you really say what's troubling a person in that time span? I think... I think she has a point, yet so does the councillor. I guess it's a case of that old adage: three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth. Where all of this fits in those categories I couldn't say.

Oh and talking of categories, I was asked *that* question. Not by Mrs J, but by the counsellor.

Do you want to transition?

I said, no as for the most part, I like being a guy. I guess, just a very metro one ;-)

She then said, Mrs J's not here, what do you really mean?

I was a little thrown by that and then I smiled. My answer was this: if there was just me on my own and I thought work would be cool about it - I would probably flip flop between appearances as the mood took me. One day him, one day her or maybe a row of each depending on my mood. I don't fancy going full time. She accepted that answer and we moved on.

I'm just too lazy and I know I'll always look like a bloke in a dress. Okay, on a good day, I may be lucky enough to look well groomed / turned out, but with my height, shoulders and jaw - I'd be fooling no-one but myself..... but really, that doesn't bother me. I accept how I look and I'm cool with that. For me, it's not about fooling people or being mistaken, it's just about feeling right and cross dressing helps me feel that way. There are times when I need to feel well dressed as a guy and other times, well dressed as a woman. I never said it would make any sense though :-)

I think that there's also a danger in that when you concentrate on what is wrong, you can't always see what is good. You dwell on what you don't have. I'm seeing the doctor on Friday (or will have by the time you read this), so we'll see what happens about the pill dose. I may be feeling slightly more level as my dose went up about two weeks ago.

Wednesday

I also went shopping for the first time in ages. The new Autumn/Winter fashions are out, but really, I'd look at them and think meh. Nothing has really grabbed my attention and I've heard the same story from a few (genetic) ladies too. All much of a muchness they say. Too much beige and the same old story with heels and the air hostess/MadMen fitted dresses aren't really my thing. Sure, I've seen the ankle boots and cable cardies people are sporting, but they don't hold my attention enough to want to buy any.

Disillusioned with the web, I decided on a spot of a bit of real world retail therapy and as I wandered through the store, I did clap eyes on a cute top and two rather nice panelled skirts. One was dark denim and the other more kilt like. I tried them on in and both fit - which was nice. I did try a jumper dress, but I wasn't sure about the V neck - it gave a rather odd fit across my shoulders.

The Ever Lovely Mrs J and I had another chat about the trans stuff. Again, a level conversation where we talked about it and neither of us go uptight. I know I find it a bit troublesome: embarrassing sometimes, but so it goes. We talked about why Mrs J wasn't involved and I said it was totally up to her. I mean, why should she be? If I may pry, how many of you are out to your partners and of those, has she seen you and what happened?

Other News

After a chat with my GP, I've got another batch of pills to keep me on the straight (!) and narrow. He asked about the counselling process and we talked briefly about that. He said that the aim of the chemical treatment was to take your mind off the depression and give you room to think about what may be wrong. Watch this space I guess.

This coming Thursday is a party at Chams. We've had a number of birthdays and we like to have a shindig when we can. This time around we're forsaking the Chinese food and going for a fuddle. I think I've mentioned this word before; it's when everyone brings a few dishes with them. I've got a list that needs posting on the forum.

Also, I've had a provisional date come back from Boots. It should be good, the last one was excellent and it was enjoyed by Boots and the Chams massive. The only snag is that it's the same night at the Xmas Party. But, that may not be a bad thing. We may be able to have Boots do something between 8 and 9.30, then do the Xmas food and dance later on. Boots have said that this time they'll try to bring products (with 10% off - woo!) to buy on the night. I know that was a problem as some people wanted items on the night. Brand wise, we're talking No 7, Clinique, Estee Lauder (hopefully), Lancombe and possibly some folk from perfumes too. Sounds like a go-er and fingers crossed people will be amenable to it.

Lastly, I've just noticed this little blog is now five years old. How time flies eh? I wonder what the next five will bring? There's a thought ;-)

Righto. That's me done for a rather long entry. I hope the weekend is kind to you.

Take care,
Lynn
x

[ Today's lyric: Crush by Pendulum. ]

15 comments:

  1. In answer to your question:

    I'm out to my partner. In fact she knew about Pandy, long before we got together. However she's also into the cosplay scene, and likes those Japanese cartoons where pretty guys get it together, so it wasn't a big shock ;-)

    I think she finds the whole thing amusing, although I am conscious that sometimes I steal away her limelight, and that she needs time to be the glam one too.

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  2. Thanks Lynn for sharing so much here. I'll join Pandora in answering your question.

    Mrs. Bellejambes is entre-nous with Petra, and has no howling objections. Truly though, we have not figured out how to incorporate this into our lives.

    She asks me for comments on her look practically daily now, and so does think of me as a fashion authority.

    We have been out to a couple of T-themed events, other nice birds of a feather in the room.

    We have not just gone out or just stayed in and had a "normal" night with me dressed. This, for me, would be nice. I suspect it will take a good long time before Mrs. B is fully trusting of Petra, before Mrs. B likes her and welcomes her as a friend.

    I know there are couples who have that relationship, and frankly I am a little envious.

    I suppose we will all keep working at it, yes?

    Oh, and the air hostess look? Evergreen, timeless, a classic, and yes you do have the figure for it.

    Enjoy the weekend...

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  3. I think you suit the airhostess look, tall and thin.
    Transistioning, well for me with no partner, I guess it would be possible, but I always find reasons why it would not be practical.
    Would I want to?
    If I could still be me, and not have to start again then, I guess, Yes.
    Would I like a simpathetic partner?
    Yes, its not always 'fun fun fun' to be on your own you know.

    Glad youre feeling better.
    Hugs
    Sophie.

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  4. Pandora: I think being out from the get go is for the best... with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. :-) I think you're right about the limelight bit too.

    Petra: Thanks for reading.. or wading through it all ;-) I think it's good that Mrs B and you can be open and talk about fashion. I suppose that may seem shallow to non-trans folk, but for us, I think it allows a level of honestly and trust.

    Thanks for the kind workds re: figure. I have seen a suitable dress... but it's getting the occasion. My Frequent Flyer status is not what it was :-D

    Sophie: Ta. Maybe I'll invest later on... for the Xmas party? Assuming it's not too bodycon to dance in that is :-)

    I think I get what you mean about starting again, and yes, I wouldn't want to be without Mrs Jones. I didn't really like being single back in the day. It can get lonely. Talking of which, I owe you a TXT! In a good way I hasten to add.

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  5. I guess Holland has a different fashion to the UK this season over here it's quite a nice season. I just have not been paid yet :)

    In answer to your question, though I'm in a slightly diffrent place to you I think...

    Yes Mrs Stace knows, and has seen me dressed (she had before she knew it was more than dressing). At that time she swung between being fine with it, and telling me to only do when she wasn't in the house.

    Stace

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  6. Stace: Sounds like you got all the good clothes then. :-) Funny, the last time I was in mainland Europe, I did see H&M and a few other chain stores. They had - perhaps understandably - the same fashions on show as dear Old Blighty. I wonder if that's still the case?

    You and I, we are on different paths - not to try and sound like some cod version of Yoda - but some things are similar I guess.

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  7. OK, my penny's worth...

    My wife knows and has always said she doesn't want to see me dressed.

    But recently she saw me dressed when I returned from a night out and after 30 years she said, "You look a lot younger dressed as a woman, you're lucky, you look good as a woman." But then to redress the balance she continued, "but you look good as a man, too."

    The thing I always take into account is that I didn't tell her about my cross dressing until a year after we were married - wish I'd told her beforehand.

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  8. Totally with you on the MEH autumn 'fashions'.. but then it's pretty rare I see things in shops I like enough to want to buy there & then. If fashion is whatever is doing the rounds I'll take style (or rather my own sense of what I like) anytime.

    I find there are quite interesting parallels between you & me regarding motivations & outlook to the t-side of things - in all honesty given absolute control I'd probably be a flip-flopper too. I don't resent being a man at heart (granted not yer football waving, beer swilling darts playing wife-beater, yada yada) .. I just like dressing up I suppose. I remember my wife saying when she first saw me that she thought I was gay (colour co-ordinated, quite stylish, in Whitley Bay.. I must've stood out somehow LOL).

    With regard to how 'accepting' my wife is & has been - she knows & has seen.. and has in the past tried to play an active, encouraging part. I initially took that at face value & didn't see the harm I was doing by taking it all for granted. She initially came with me on nights out & found that hard to deal with sometimes - me being something of a tarty dresser back then I attracted a lot of male attention she became aware of (but not me, thankfully) which was hard for her to deal with. Infact she felt obliged she should be working hard & ignored her own limits to some extent.. couple that with me taking all & could get & things eventually stretched to breaking point (but didn't actually break). I hated myself for being so blind as to let it happen but my wife was the one who spotted it & stopped me doing something I'd later regret (a purge).

    We moved on from there, working on a need-to-know basis - more out of sight - out of mind & gradually got to where we are now. The boundaries are a little fuzzy again - sometimes I'd like her to come along but it's nice not to be joined at the hip. Her visits to the room where I'm getting ready aren't always welcome but she's only showing an interest.

    I have pangs of guilt occasionally where I feel selfish for wanting time to myself.. sometimes not even just taking a blessing for what it is - but I always know that if I deny myself what I need to do things will ultimately go far more wrong.

    To sum up - I try my damndest not to take her acceptance for granted - and I always spot when she's trying too hard. We've found that even when you think you've got the hang of the balancing act that's not necessarily always the case. Go in with both eyes open & keep them open.

    When we learned she was pregnant she said "if it's a girl I hope she has YOUR dress sense". I don't think I've ever heard a compliment like it in my life.

    Sorry for the long comment, but you did ask ;-)

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  9. Alex: I'm with you on the telling front. I hadn't got the bottle to say what was going on. Okay, I said I used to do it, but... ahh... that's a lie isn't it. If you're dressing up, you're dressing up - there's no sugar coating that one. :-) Still, and as you say, marriages survive.

    Props to Mrs Alex over her kind words. Funny how a good wig and the right make-up can take years off a person.

    Justine: Hello! I hope all is well with Time Junior. Yeah, the fashion thing... I'm not hung up about following all trends, but I do like something that (hopefully) suits me and is reasonably up to date. I guess it's fun to experiment with new looks.

    I think Flipper-flopper should be a new medical term for trannys who like the best of both worlds. There's being male and there's the loutish/borish behaviour that certain men are capable of. My dad's not trans and he's not loutish either - so I won't say all men. it'd be inaccurate.

    Yeah, again with the 'gay' element too. Somewhat rather well turned out (heh, 'out') for a so called grunger. I guess my hair was too shampoo ad to be proper rawk. :-) Oh and I didn't have you pegged as Sand Dancer ;-) Mind you, I'm from the Midlands, we don't have any cultural identity. :-D

    Sounds like you've both go through the ringer, but come out stronger for it. It's not an easy process and I have a lot of respect for any couple that takes an issue - whatever it is - and works through it rather than chucking in the towel at the first hint of a bit bust up.

    No worries about the long answer, that's part of the reason why this blog is here: to get people to share and to talk as they wish. Makes a change from me prattling on LOL.

    Lastly, top marks on the dress sense wishes. I guess she'll be the best dressed kid yeah? Our Little Miss loves bags at the mo. I'm going to see if I can bring her to the Dark Side and get her interested in boots and shoes. ;-)

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  10. Heh no, I met my wife when I was DJing in Whitley Bay.. which didn't actually come about until I moved to Manchester.. but I'm originally from Co. Durham not far from Newcastle. Long, long story ;-)

    FWIW I think the Little Miss' interest in shoes & boots will come along soon enough on its own

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  11. Justine: Sounds like a long, but interesting story. One for email should you have the time/inclination. :-)

    Yeah, she's doing well in the the shoe department. I think there's a danger I could get carried away LOL

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  12. As a singleton i'm not able to
    comment on your question
    though the grass is never
    greener on the other side.
    Congrats on the 5 year mark
    thats 80 ish in blog years I am
    led to believe :-)

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  13. Lucy: Thanks for the congrats, Mrs.

    Greener grass? Funny you should say that, but Tracey (friend from Chams) quipped: "It may be greener, but you've still go to mow the f***er!" :) I think I'll stick to this meadow.

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  14. I told my wife back in '87, two years after marriage. She has always stated adamantly that she does not wish to see me dressed. She did, however, recently see photos when I inadvertently left my blog accessible to her. She didn't like that I was sharing photos, but has not commented on what she saw. I hope that she saw that I am not the caricature of a woman that she has feared that I was. She hates that I do this, but knows that it won't go away, and has come around to me attending a support group.

    Could be worse, could be much, much better.

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  15. Leslie: Hiya. Thanks for sharing. It's not always easy is it - for either partner. On the upside, you get to go out - which personally, I find helps a lot. I'm with you on the whole caricature issue too. Sure, I like my heels, but does anyone want to be a stereotype? :)

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