Friday, May 21, 2010

"There's a million ways to see the things in life,
A million ways to be the fool..."

Hiya,

Good week? Mine's been mixed. Don't get me wrong, everyone is in good health and the Bad Luck Fairy has been elsewhere too. All good stuff... and yet... I'm rather worn out. I'm fairly sure it wasn't the mowing from t'other night, nor the long trek we took for lunch today. No, it's more that mental weariness that can sometimes creep up on you. Maybe a weekend of visiting friends & family and the local park is just what I need. Let the mental muscles relax for a bit and see if that helps.

A few days ago I had the vague thoughts towards a blog post and as I daydreamed my way though it in the car, it now seems to have drifted out of my head and away to where ever thoughts go to bask in the summer sunshine (Ed: would that be the sky then?). The subject in question started off as I've been playing through a few of the 80s tracks in the car - well, after the fun & games from last week, I was in the mood for a spot of retro.

As Frankie Goes to Hollywood stormed through my little car's speakers, my thoughts drifted back to how it was... or perhaps more accurately: how I remember how it was. That's the thing with nostalgia, I'm fairly sure the truth of history gets washed out by recollection. There I was trying to peer around rather than through the rose tinted spectacles, I looked back at my teenage years. It's a confusing mess if I'm honest and seemingly only small fragments jump out at me. I seem to recall being embarrassed quite a lot, although that may just be emotion attached to memory and if you learn by your mistakes, I should write a book :-)

I remember the sage advice (Ed: she means 'cod' more like) of "school days are the best days of your life." I'll say this now and I'll say it loud - well, if you can be loud with the written word - never have I heard such a crock of sh**! :-) As a young kid I had no frame of reference and I'd wonder Is that true? It is really downhill from now on? :-) Chuck that into a heady brew of teenage hormones and struggling over the whole growing up as a tranny, it didn't help my mood. It did get the better of me and after a tearful coming out to my Mum, I went to see the quack about my feelings (which I think I've talked about before).

That brings me round to a question a good friend asked me the other day. I'll spare her blushes, BTW. She asked: Do you enjoy being a tranny? Skip back 25 years I think the answer would have been 95% no and 5% yes. That 5% would be the short guilt free part I had when I managed to get some dressing done. As others have said, you tidy up, clean yourself up and then the guilt comes in. What have I done? Why am I doing this? Where will it end? Etc.

But now, and with all honesty, I'd say a resounding yes (Ed: you smug mare!). Okay, I have the occasional dip, but that's the way it goes. Life is up and down. Honestly, while it's not been a complete walk in the park (Ed: ooo, the click of high heels outside), I'm now happy with who I am. I suppose it helps having a wonderful wife like the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones and also a good set of trans friends. I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have got here without their assistance, so I remain grateful and I hope that in some small way, by helping out at Chams I'm doing the same for other folk too.

Take care,
Lynn

[ Today's lyric: I Want Out by Helloween. If I had a soundtrack to my teenage years, I'm pretty sure they'd figure heavily. That and Banarama, 808 State and Ned's Atomic Dustbin ;-) Angry middle class white kid, what a cliche :-D I wonder how many metallers are also trannys? It certainly gave me an excuse to grow my hair long :-) ]

10 comments:

  1. Hehe. You see the sun and instantly think back to summers growing up. Forgetting the bad bits of course :)

    I think the most rosy recolations are driving out to the rugby field of the university (it had a campus in the countryside). Parking up, opening the boot of my Fiesta (I had the loudest stereo) sitting on the bonnets drinking (coke for the two drivers) and listening to music for hours on end. As my friend used to like saying 'Happy Days' :)

    Stace

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  2. Stace: Very true! Today was blue skies and hot summer sun. As a kid the weather seemed to be like that or raining. Never in between, but binary. Oh, except Christmas when I'd have my fingers crossed hoping for snow... enough snow so that school would be shut :-)

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  3. I just loved the binary weather all 10 types of it. ;o)
    Wasnt the snow deeper in those days? I remember being able to dig snow holes. Nowadays youre lucky if you can build a snowman.

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  4. Sophie: LOL "There are 10 types of people in the world..." :-) Yes, snow caves. You can't even build a mini-snowman in the freezer, as they are frost-free now. ;-) Still, we didn't do too bad for snow earlier in the year.

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  5. While my school days weren't too bad, I agree with you that the claim about them being the best days of one's life is a load of ordure. (I wonder which [expletive] arsehole started feeding that particular lie to children?) Looking back on them, I often wonder how I managed to get through as many years of school as I did without going completely mad in the process; given that you were stuck there for the better part of each day, the place was like prison in a way.

    As for nostalgia, while I'm probably just as prone to that as the next person, I'll often find myself making the opposite mistake: looking back on a time in my life when I was actually quite happy, and thinking it was crap. I don't know why I do that - maybe it's the fact that I realize in hindsight just how ignorant and foolish I was during the period in question, or maybe my generally melancholic temperament is to blame. With regards to nostalgia, I sometimes think that we look back on the past as fondly as we do simply because we managed to survive it. Sure we all had our fears about how the future was going to turn out, but if those fears failed to eventuate (as I'm sure was the case for most of us), we tend to forget about them, I think, and just assume the past was this wonderful carefree time when we didn't have a worry in the world.

    To answer your friend's question myself, I certainly enjoy being a tranny; I think I always have. (In my case, it probably helped that I've always been a bit of an eccentric, so doing one more "weird" thing (ie cross-dressing) really wasn't that big a deal for me. It probably also helped me be open about my own dressing pretty much from day one - I couldn't wait to shock people with it. :-)) I think there are definitely advantages to being a CDer; your wardrobe's a lot more interesting than the average bloke's, for one thing, and it's also nice to not feel as though you need to cut yourself off from half the world (ie the half marked "feminine"). Indeed, I'd go so far as to say that non-CDers are missing out on something!

    Finally, to answer your last question, here's another tranny who's also a metalhead. I never got into Helloween as a teenager in my own case (just never got around to listening to them*); Maiden, Metallica and Slayer were more my thing. While it seems an odd combination of interests in retrospect, at the time it didn't, maybe because half the metal groups that came out in the '80s seemed to be comprised of CDers anyway!

    *Indeed, I could give you an embarrassingly long list of big-name metal bands I've just never gotten around to listening to; among them would be every band the late, great Ronnie James Dio was involved with. (I feel so ashamed...)

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  6. Zosimus: Not to sound too dark, but I think I got off lightly compared to some who went through the school system. The comment about surviving school is rather telling... and completely at odds with the line 'best days'. Maybe for some, it was, but on the flip side, surviving things makes you stronger. :)

    I suppose you'd think with all the glam metal of the 80s, that a young tranny would flock to said tribe, but it doesn't always work like that does it.

    Having two wardrobes can be a bit expensive, but then there's the variety of it and sometimes, I think it's good to walk a mile in heels... I think it makes you appreciate how much effort some ladies have to make.

    ps: I had to look who up who Dio was. ;)

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  7. My schooldays were rather a long time ago and time is indeed a great healer. Still, I remember them as pretty grim. I think most folk just find a way to get by. Me, I didn't really begin to enjoy things until University.
    Of course now I see all the lost opportunities, but then if you went back and changed something, who knows what else would change as a result? It's also easy to forget how different public attitudes to CDers are now, compared to even 20 years ago. At least some things get better.

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  8. Penny: Yes, if you could change history, where would you stop and would you be the same person at the end of it? Possibly not... But, yes, society (well, most of it) seems to have got over the urge to be abusive and now we're just treated with indifference, and if you're lucky, like everyone else. As you say, certainly something to be thankful for.

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  9. Hello Lynn,
    I´m Gerti from Germany. I´m transsexual too an I would have interess to come together with people from all over the world, who have the same problem like I, because I think, we all together could make the world better to get more toleranz, freedom and understanding for each other. It would be good if we could give our meanings for each other, everybody have to say many important things to other ones. We must come out from our "little home" and give each other strong will, hope, happyness and understanding hearts.
    I read your very interesting site and I have big respect for you, your proud and your courage. That´s very good, I think.
    Please come to my website too, you can translate it in your language. May be, we will become friends for future.
    So, I wish you and your friends all the best in your life and with your way.
    See you later, I hope
    My best rgards for you
    Gerti.

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  10. Gerti: Hi there and thanks for taking the time to write. You wrote some very kind things. In terms of being 'transsex', I'm not - I'm a tranny. A part timer in all the gender stuff. Most of the time I'm a father and a husband. Good luck in your journey and your site is a great read.

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