Monday, August 17, 2009

Heartland

Hi,

Those of you with a nervous disposition or who have no truck with.... personal sh**.... look away now.

Still reading?

Can't say you weren't warned.

Last chance....

There's a rush of thoughts pulsing in my head right now; a flock of black shadowy creatures that swirl around. Mad fluttering with yours truly, The Queen of Drama, at the epicentre.

At the mo, I'm just not with it. As I type I am both simmering with anger and on the edge of tears. Trouble has been brewing for a few days; no, weeks if I'm honest, and each time I've pushed it aside hoping a good day at work, some family fun or even...

( Now my fingers hang over the keyboard because my heart swills with the acid of guilt. )

.... dressing up will help dispel the bad thoughts.

But none of it does. I wake up feeling tired or, or... just numb. If not numb, then angry. I don't know where the f**k I'm going any more. Work bores me; I just can't seem to engage. The kid's get on my wick and I have zero patience. It's not them, they're not badly behaved, but I blow up and then feel bad at making them feel bad. The anger has nowhere to go. It spits and bubbles inside and corrodes the vessel it's in.

I had such a good time at Chameleons I fear that I'll end up 'full time'. But the little voice of optimism that exists says: no, it's not that. That time is time outside of the normal world. It's a stressless place, who wouldn't want that? I want that to be true. I can't be full time and be a husband or a dad. That's not how it works and in my heart, I know it's all just fantasy. Just a f***ing stupid pipe dream. A man in drag. A bloke piling on the slap and a wig in order to flick a switch in his head.

Sometimes, I hate being this way. These are the times when I wonder about cures. But that's BS too. There's no such thing. I can no more 'go straight' than I can fly. Hmmm... flight. No, the analogy works: you start off free and unencumbered, but after a while you find out it's not flying, but an uncontrolled descent. What was once a step off into clear skies is in fact a crash back to reality.

I want to cry out, to break things. To punch the walls. Something to get the rage out of me, but I don't. I sit and I fold in on myself, lost in my own emotions.

Heh, and I thought it was going so well too. F**k.

Now my finger hovers over the Publish Post button. Do you deserve this dear reader? To wade through a sh**storm of my own making? Is this the point of a tranny blog: the warts and all of it. The good, the bad and the f*** ugly?

I don't know. I just want to feel okay.

See you Friday.
Lynn
x

15 comments:

  1. Hang in there girl, and concentrate on the good bits.

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  2. You've read some of the posts on my blog haven't you lynn lol. Being TG is a bloody curse as much as its a blessing. The question you need to ask yourself is that if there was a bona-fida cure would you take it? If you ever need to chat, I'm on yahoo most nights. x

    Love Emma x x x

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  3. Lynn - you have done your share and more of the outreach and general mothering that all of us require time to time. Go easy on yourself. Let someone ask you about things for a change. You have earned it.

    btw - works bores everyone at some point. Kids can get up in your peace and stay there. Don't draw a straight line between those eternal truths and the more unique parts of your life.

    Happier post on Fruday I am sure. Looking forward to it dear.

    Cheers - Petra

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  4. It's a stressful time for all.

    That's all.

    Oh, I could go on about transgender stuff, and how the economy isn't helping, and all that. But I won't - you don't deserve such pandering, and I don't think you want it.

    So, the stress of living, simply living, just gets to us all at times. Hang in there. If I could, I'd buy you a beer, we'd prop up a bar and you'd go home with a hangover already starting.

    It's just stressful, right now.

    Carolyn Ann

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  5. First off, you are not alone. Hang in there! People really do care about you.

    Secondly. How are you sleeping? No, seriously. The changeable weather is affecting lots of people's sleep. And I don't know about you, but when I'm sleep deprived, I get emotonal, short-tempered, listless etc.

    Thirdly. Go see your doctor. You don't need to tell them abou Lynn, but discuss the other things. You might be on the precipice of stress/anxiety and depression. Catch it now!

    And lastly. Don't do anything silly! Don't purge, or disappear for a few days. Talk to the people that care about you. When did you last have time off work, or away from the kids? Maybe you just need to recharge!

    Take care!

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  6. Yes, what Pandora said! This looks like classic depression to me, and I have some experience with it.

    You absolutely should write about these things in your tranny blog. This is the essence of our often troubled and troubling lives. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but it's always good to know that we have that in common with others.

    Things will look better soon, I hope.

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  7. Its good to talk, its good to get these thoughts into the open and out on virtual paper.

    It may sound trite, its not meant to, but give it a few days, thins so often look different, the highs and lows even out.

    Take care.

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  8. Dear all,

    Thank you for your kind words of support. They mean a lot to me.

    Perhaps an early night, a beer and some time away from work / computers is in order.

    Thank you.
    Lynn
    x

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  9. Hi Lynn
    Read your post yesterday and did not know what to say. It sounds as if you are having a bad patch.

    Don't despair. Let me quote you the sage:
    'Life's a bitch and then you die.'
    If it's better than that then you are ahead. Most of us are. Fortunately.

    Kids. They are pre-programmed to run you ragged and drive you nuts. It's what they do. But I'm sure that they love you to bits, though they probably hardly ever say so.
    I have just one and she is a sort of black hole sucking in time. Three is going to be serious hard work, but worth it.

    As for the job not being all it's cracked up to be, tell me about it. Most people just go to work because they have to. Some of us are lucky enough to have a job that is challenging and interesting, but even then it can be hard to crank up enthusiasm at times.

    Just asking, but did you have flu (or something like it) last winter? It can really take the wind out of your sails. After my bout I wasn't right for over 6 months, sleeping badly, tired all the time. I even got myself checked out at a sleep clinic.
    Have you tried talking this over with the missus? I'm sure she has noticed that you are tired and ratty. Maybe she has some good ideas - women have this annoying habit of being right quite a lot of the time...

    And lastly - some heresy - do you think that Chams every week is too often? Maybe dressing up should be a special occasion rather than a routine built into every week. Perhaps if it gives you something that is good you can take some of that feeling home and use it there.

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  10. Penny: Thanks for the suggestions. Sleep? There's an interesting subject. I'm tired during the day, awake at night and sound asleep when the alarm clock goes off. I need my internal clock adjusting somehow.... although it isn't caffine or booze, just my head going around.

    I've not had a heart to heart with Mrs Jones because I don't want to upset her. Crazy talk, but... sheesh. I just don't know. You're right about women being right tho. :)

    Chams is every other week - every 2nd Thursday as a rule. Of course, the way the months fall, sometimes it can be 3 weeks between meetings. Insane as it may sound, I found myself (mentally) climbing the walls when we had the last long gap.

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  11. Love, my heart is there with you. You are such a treasure, your wisdom and humor and caring are like shining beacons for those going through pain and confusion.

    I don't really have words of comfort that would suffice. Even letting you know that I have shared an anguish that is similar, if not as intense as yours, seems weak and feeble.

    Even in your confusion you are wise, full time is not a mythical place where all boredom and pain disappear.

    I'm glad that you are feeling better this week (only saw your post now, sorry for the tardy readership :) ).

    I often wonder to myself, perhaps the next step will satisfy. Perhaps if I just took hormones, or if I could be 'part time' 2-3 days a week, then the joy I feel would spill over to the rest of my life.

    I wonder, if there a place between all or nothing. A place you and your wife can both feel good about, where you can feel the reality of womanhood alongside the fantasy?

    You are a blessing dear. I'm there with you, if only in spirit and through this electronic screen.

    *big* hugs
    Vanessa

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  12. Vanessa: Thanks, honey. There's nothing weak or feeble about your or any other person's anguish. It's personal to you and to them and there's no score card :)

    When I look at where I am - in life - with open eyes and not through the bitter blue curtain, I have a lot to be thankful for.

    I try not to fall into the trap of fantasy if I can help it. Some dreams keep us going, but there are others - to jump off from your post today - that lie and corrode at us. They're not the ones worth chasing. Cheery thoughts eh? :D

    <<>>
    Lynn
    x

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  13. Happy Monday I guess :)
    Now, if only we knew how to tell the difference between those two dreams...

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  14. Wish I'd been around when this post was "new" instead of gallavanting all over the states. Not that I could offer much that hasn't been said (other than perhaps trying melatonin for a few weeks to shift that clock you were speaking of) but just to tell you that the pendulum will swing the other way, no matter how dreary and dark the realm into which it has gone for the moment!

    Off to catch up with your next entry...

    alan

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  15. Alan: Thanks for the suggestions. You were right about the pendulum swinging back and I hope you had fun galavanting :)

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