Friday, March 06, 2009

"The writing's on the wall,
It won't go away."

Hi,

How's things with you? All Cool and the Gang I hope.

As I walked through the warm Spring sunshine my mind, as ever, started to drift. A young lady crossed the road in front of me, heels springing her across the road (not literally) in a way that seemed effortlessly glamorous. How do some women do that? Practice maybes. Anyways, her black on black office outfit reminded me of a night at Chams a few months ago and when that thought drifted into my head: what if people at work knew? I pushed it away not wanting to tempt Fate.

Skip back a few weeks and the Nottingham Chameleons got an email from a local paper asking if they could come and do an interview. We had a brief chat about it and decided against it. I mean, this was about 2 weeks after the events down south in Liphook. I'm sure the paper meant well, but the current venue is out of the way enough to be off the radar unless someone's specifically looking.

Anyhoo, jump forward to last night's telly programme - Inside Out. For those of you outside of the UK, it's a regional magazine programme that features events, places and people within your local area. This episode featured a local lass who is in the process of transitioning but that's by the by (Oh - good luck Debbie! :-D ). The BBC's website has a little more information about Debbie and... a link to the Nottingham Chameleons website.

Bugger.

So I had a little touch of The Fear the other day. Not the stomach dropping panic I felt when someone outed me back home, but it wasn't pleasant. Still, a nice cup of tea - honestly, I'm so British it almost hurts - and a quiet think certainly helped keep some perspective.

The reason I'd like to keep this part of my life away from work is because of my family. I think I could handle the well meant joshing from my work-mates. But what about outside of work? I don't want my kids to be singled out because of who I am. Other than the concern for my family, I think that people knowing would alter the dynamic between myself and friends. Gee, that sounds fancy doesn't it? :-) I think I'd stop being "------" and be "------ the tranny". I'm not sure I'd fancy being pigeonholed - nay, stereotyped - like that.

I suppose the obvious answer would be to remove this blog and withdraw from the Internet. Why not? Simply because I get a lot of out of blogging - both the process of sharing what's going on in my life, reading what other people are getting up to and - as I've said before - the exchange of views via comments.

Oddly, I'm in touch with a few mates from back home (Facebook, it's a strange beast) who could know - yet either they've ignored it, would like to ask but daren't or - and I'm hoping this is really the case - it's a non-issue. Yesterday's news. SFW and all that. (SFW? So f***ing what).

To wrap this us - if some new friends are reading this. Two things: 1) Hello and 2) Buy me a pint and I'll answer your questions if you like.

Take care & stay safe,
Lynn
x

[ Today's lyric: The Omen by The Prodigy ]

7 comments:

  1. Ah yes, "The Fear". I might have a post about that myself in a day or two. But I don't want to jinx it by saying to much yet. :)

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  2. So many time people "disappear" and I always end up worrying, hoping it was choice instead of not, whatever the circumstance!

    May your fears come to naught, not just for now but always!

    I'd miss you...

    alan

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  3. I can relate through personal experience to your fear of inadvertently hurting members of your family through your dressing. During my final years at school, I cultivated quite a reputation for being "out there" (both as a bit of a genderbender and an eccentric in general), and while I enjoyed that greatly, I later learned that a couple of younger brothers who'd followed me through the same school had been made to pay dearly for my weirdness. It creates a real dilemma. You don't want to hurt your family and friends with your nonconformity, but at the same time, you don't want to let your fear of doing that pressure you into becoming just like everybody else. Really, it's not much different from the way a lot of dictatorships dissuade their citizens from defecting - "If you do, horrible things will happen to your family back home!"

    SFW? So f***ing what

    There was a rather silly movie during the '90s called that. Did you ever see it?

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  4. Zosimus: For me at least, not so much the fear of being part of the crowd, but bottling the whole tranny gig just hasn't worked. Like trapped wind, it finds a way out and hurts unless you let it go once in a while :) Hmmm... Perhaps not the best summary I could have come up with.

    As to the film; no, I never saw it but the name stuck with me.

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  5. You're braver than I girl. I guess it's one thing to be out dressed in public, and another for me to be 'out dressed' on the Internet, where anyone can associate my male and female personnas. And there's no way to ever 'go back in the closet' so to speak.

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  6. Vanessa: And there's no way to ever 'go back...

    Oh there is, but it's a hell of a thing to up sticks and move somewhere else... or so I hear from the folks on Witness Protection two doors down :)

    All of the photos on here are small and are (hopefully) different enough for the non-Lynn version of me not to be read. At least that's what I think so I can sleep at night. I suppose a more sensible solution would be to make this blog private and not to upload any snaps wouldn't it?

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