Friday, January 16, 2009

"Teardrop on the fire of a confession"

Hi,

It's a slow news week this week, but that's not always a bad thing is it? I don't know about you, but I can't be bothered with too much drama. It's just so tiring. :-)

Earlier in the week I was talking with a friend who's single again. No, he's not a tranny as far as I know, so we can't blame the break-up on that. But that got me a thinkin' around the whole TG + relationship business.

Some of us are open from day one and tell all. Some of us don't, perhaps hoping that we'd never need to tell or that maybe it'd stop by itself. For some, perhaps it does. For me - and possibly you if you're reading this - it may not have :-) So I wonder, is there ever a good time to tell your partner? How soon is too soon? For those of you not in a relationship, is being TG stopping you from finding someone?

Please forgive my curiosity, but I've only my own experiences to go on. I didn't tell the future Mrs Jones. Well, that's not strictly true....

if I've said this elsewhere, feel free to skip to the next blog :-)

... as when we met, I do recall saying it was something I'd done in the past. She was cool with that. We were young and at the time, it was true. I hadn't given up, but I'd stopped. As I've said elsewhere, there's a big difference. Giving up, well, that's fine: you're ready to pack it in and do something else with your time.

But stopping? Ahhh. A different kettle of ballgames to be sure. :-) That's you drawing a line in the sand (Ed: how many cliches are you going to squeeze in here?) and making yourself quit..... Even though I'd 'stopped' I still thought about it. I suppose in a world where half the population is dressed in clothes you feel more affinity to - at least on a part time basis - cold turkey's going to be tough.

I think I managed a couple of years before I resumed old habits. I threw myself into my job and other hobbies, but it was always there. Perhaps more accurately, I was always there because this is who I am. Not the guy with the books, CDs and a motorbike (Ed: such a cliche!) but instead a guy who likes to express his female side once in a while. A guy who's happier playing with the kids than watching footy or who'd rather shop than go down the pub with the lads.

When did I tell the ever lovely Mrs Jones? Just over 10 years ago. I won't share the details with you. It did alter our relationship. How could it not? I felt such a sh** for doing so, yet I knew that if I didn't deal with the pressure inside of me: something would go very wrong. I think a lot of us have been there - perhaps some of you are going through this right now.... and I include partners in this. It's not easy from either side of the fence. Trouble aside, we got through it somehow. Taking things slowly and talking about it as best we could. It can't have been easy for her and I'm eternally grateful that we are still together. I didn't want my crossdressing to come between us, although I knew that to stay sane - which sounds melodramatic, but any tranny (and a partner or two) who's 'bottled it' will know what I'm talking about - things couldn't stay as they were.

Where am I headed with all of this? Not a clue.... as ever. :-) What I will say is if you thinking about coming out, take it slowly and do it at home. It's likely to be an emotional event for both of you and a resturant is not the place for little secrets. :-)

Take care,
Lynn
x

[ Today's lyric: Teardrop by Massive Attack ]

13 comments:

  1. For those of you not in a relationship, is being TG stopping you from finding someone?

    Probably not in my case. For good or ill, I seem to be one of those rare individuals whose sexual orientation could best be summed up as "asexual"; while I have some (mainly hetero) sexual feelings, they never seem to be strong enough for me to feel a great need to satisfy them. (I've heard it said that many, if not most, men get depressed or cranky if they go without sex for any appreciable length of time, but this has never been the case for me.) Even now, in my mid-thirties, I'm still a virgin, and to be honest, I really couldn't give a damn (indeed, I'm perversely proud of that fact, given it makes me a bit of an oddity).

    Likewise, I'm not much interested in relationships, preferring my own company for the most part, and the freedom single life gives me to do what I want when I want. As I've gotten older, I've only gotten more set in my ways in this regard; indeed, I'd probably be too selfish, and too unwilling to compromise, to get into a relationship now. My CDing is one area where I'd definitely find it difficult to compromise should I start seeing or living with someone. It's been such an integral part of my life for so long - something I've been so open about, and felt so comfortable doing - that if I got into a relationship with someone who told me to stop doing it, or tried to tell me when I could do it and when I couldn't, well, let's just say things wouldn't be pretty.

    It doesn't really bother me that my life has turned out the way that it has in the above areas, although I suppose if I really think about it, it does strike me as just a little bit sad that I've never made an effort to find that special someone or start a family. I've sometimes been told I'd make (or would have made) a good husband and father (ironically, because of the "feminine" aspects of my personality*), so it seems a shame to have let whatever potential I may have had there go to waste. Bizarrely enough, I had a (very Catholic) grandfather who seemed convinced I was going to become a priest someday instead (possibly because of those same "feminine" aspects of my personality that would have suited me to marriage and parenthood), and apparently hoped that he'd live to see the day I became ordained as one. Unfortunately, it'll be the 23rd anniversary of his death in a few days, and the chances of me becoming a priest now are probably even more remote than they seemed when I first learned that this was how he saw me ending up. I've simply become far too cynical about religion now to ever consider serving the Church in any kind of ministerial capacity (then again, I suppose that never stopped all those corrupt, power-hungry Medieval popes!).

    *From reading the personal stories of a lot of CDers who're in relationships, I've found that a theme which seems common to many of them is that these individuals' "femininity" was actually what attracted their partners to them in the first place; it was just that their partners couldn't handle just how far their "femininity" went. Was this the case in your own relationship, if you don't mind me asking? I'd imagine, for example, that you preferring playing with your kids over watching the football would be something your wife would appreciate.

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  2. As a single person, I think I'm single because I'm lazy, fussy, and set in my ways :(

    I'd need to be open about my other side before things got too involved. I'm looking for an unusual or weird girlfriend anyway, so it shouldn't be an issue with the right person.

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  3. Zosimus: Nothing wrong with being an oddity. Who wants to be average? :)

    Is is sad? I dunno: I think it's all personal choice. For some, the drive to have children is very strong, some drift into parenthood (or have it thrust upon them), while others are completely disinterested.

    To answer your question: most defintely yes. Mrs Jones has never liked macho types - at least from a personality point of view - so I was lucky in that regard. It may not be easy being married to a tranny, but it's not all bad news. I can think of worse husbands (no names). I guess it depends what a partner is willing to tolerate for love.

    Pandora: Some say 'fussy' I say 'high standards' :)

    I'm no expert but is the goth scene more forgiving towards TGs?

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  4. To answer the question you put out there I'm single, while not revelling in it not too bothered either. I really have not looked for a relationship hard enough to use it as an excuse or know if its true.

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  5. For some, the drive to have children is very strong, some drift into parenthood (or have it thrust upon them), while others are completely disinterested.

    I once read somewhere that 50% of the human race never reproduces! Even taking into account the fact that a significant portion of this group consists of people who simply die before they get a chance to pass their genes on to the next generation (those who die before birth are included in it), it's still a mindblowing statistic.

    Thanks for answering my question. One thing I found interesting about your relationship (from the survey you completed on Julia's blog) was that your wife is a couple of years your senior. Interestingly, I've a couple of younger brothers who've both been involved with women older than themselves (one's still living with one), and I'd have to say that that kind of relationship appeals to me as well. I feel that if I was with an older woman, there'd be less pressure on me to be "the alpha male" in the relationship, though I could be wrong!

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  6. Lucy: I remember being single and seeing other couples. Not the smug, all-over-each-other sorts - they kinda put me off :-)

    More two people who found each other and seemed prepared to make it work. They looked... well, happy together.

    Asking people out? That's proper scary!

    Zosimus: Given the number of people about, maybe that's a good thing! :-)

    Because of the way our birthdays fall, Mrs Jones is about a year and a half older. No great shakes now, it would have been quite a gap if we'd met in our teens :-)

    Maybe it sounds funny, but I don't think about age really. There are things I don't do now (and vice versa) than when I was younger, but I feel pretty much the same now as I did in my late 20s. Maybe a bit calmer, a bit more sorted.

    As to 'alpha': well, I guess that depends on the relationship. Some couples, it's the chap in charge, sometimes it's a partnership and other times you do as you're told :-)

    I think there are thinks that certain partners are very good at, and in that regard, they become the alpha for that task.

    BTW, have you done the survey too?

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  7. BTW, have you done the survey too?

    Yes.

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  8. I'm just happy each time I read of someone getting through it all without losing everything...

    alan

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  9. I'm forever grateful for the advice I got from some friends at Tri-Ess to tell my wife to be before we married. It was tough, probably the hardest thing I've ever done, and we had quite a few rocky conversations but we came through that period.

    A few years back I tried to stop. For her, partly. But I guess for me as well. Perhaps to prove I couldn't stop, or to prove that I could even when everyone said I couldn't. I was irritable, grumpy and found it difficult to find joy in anything.

    I reframed the question from 'could I stop?', to 'do I want to stop?'. We're a wonderful creation of God, we can do just about anything. It doesn't mean it's good for us or those around us :)

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  10. Sorry for the slow reply Lynn.

    Hmmm, the goth scene. Well I'm a bit out of touch, but I've never had any hassle there. You see quite a few "boi"s in dresses, but I don't feel comfortable using the ladies there because the faux-goth girls give me the impression hey are only playing at being alternative. Although I feel perfectly at ease in the gents there...

    Its difficult to tell how people feel, but the sneering seems to equal opportunity :)

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  11. Alan: Indeed. I think that's a big risk and a big worry we all have. What if she says 'it or me'? That's one hell of a question. If I'm honest, I think many people (and I think possibly myself too) would stop for a bit... only to carry on with even more secrecy than before.

    When I read accounts like that, my heart goes out to the person in question.

    Vanessa: For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing in telling her before you were married. You gave her a choice.

    Could I have done the same? Honestly? It's hard to remember that far back, but I think my dressing was so infrequent back then that I didn't consider it to be an issue. Give it a few years - perhaps for my genetics to influcence matters - and, well, here we are :-)

    Pandora: No worries! I thought about mentioning "bois" but didn't want to use the wrong term.... and look like a complete t*t :)

    Faux-goth = weekend warriors?

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  12. By faux-goth I was referring to the pretty, bitchy and (more importantly) insecure girls who realise that by wearing PVC and displaying acres of cleavage they can get the attention they so desperately desire. They play at being edgy and claim they are into BDSM/blood-drinking/wicca/roleplay*/whatever, but would run a mile if they met someone who shared that interest.

    Unfortunately you can't tell them from regular gothic folk until its too late.

    BTW I would never mock the part-timers, I'm one myself!

    *=the sort that doesn't involve dice and hexpaper :)

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  13. Pandora: Ahhh, when you put it like that, my memory bubbles up a few examples.

    No hexpaper? Sheesh. Bad times :-D

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