Friday, January 25, 2008

"Gold's just around the corner..."

Hiya,

Draw back the curtains, take 'No Alarms'* off repeat and stick on a smile. The telly programme title is correct: five minutes in heels is heaven. A night out with the girls (well, you know what I mean), a good chat and the spiritual high of passing old things on have worked wonders on my mental state. The balance has been restored and I feel calm and relaxed. There was even a spot of dancing which added to the whole evening.

[ * By strange coincidence I was walking through Leicester the other week and the shopping centre's in-house music system was playing Radiohead's No Alarms. It's a great track (IMO) although not one that would make me thing of rampant consumerism. ]

Rather stupidly I'd forgotten to pack my make-up wipes, but luckily Beth came to my rescue and let me kadge a few off her. Phew! I didn't fancy driving home with my face on! (Ed: If only I could get this face...off :) ).

The other night I caught a programme on George Michael's life. One thing he said jumped out at me and it was this: How can you be proud of your sexuality if it's never brought you any joy? It's an interesting thought, although one shouldn't be looking to pop stars or their lyrics for deep philosophical insights into the human condition. :-) Irony aside, is this another factor in the lack of TG outage? (If that's a word!). In your early years - okay, well, my early years, I don't really know what goes on in your heads - I struggled coming to terms with it. We all know the key parts of the loop: guilt, indulgence, secrecy, repeat. Well, for me, it's not like that any more. Sure, I get narky if I don't get to dress up, but now the only guilt I feel is if I upset my lovely wife... and to be honest, that happens less and less (bless).

To any partners reading this who have recently found out about their hubby: let him do it. He'll be calmer/saner/chipper and while you may hate the idea of him doing it: what would you rather have? A miserable 'straight' husband or one who indulged once in a while? Course, if he's been bottling it for years, there will be a honeymoon period where he'll go off the rails, but it will calm down. Honest. :)

Coming back to the point would you feel proud enough not to care if anyone found out? I don't mean proud as in the chest-beating alpha sh*te, but no longer feeling belittled by the way you are. I wonder - as Emma posted in her blog - if TG folk will follow gay people into the mainstream or will we always skulk in the background. Ahh, the future.... who can really say eh?

On that wistful note, take care. See you next time.... perhaps. :-)
Lynn
x

PS: I wonder what 'Angry of Tunbridge Wells' made of last week's Torchwood with all that kissing? :-)

[ Lyric: Fool's Gold by The Stone Roses ]

5 comments:

  1. I wouldn't say I'm proud of being a tranny, and if a stranger or workmate caught me on the hop and asked, I'd probably deny out of habit.

    But I am at the stage where if someone tried to blackmail or threaten me with revealing it, I'd be all, "Pffft. Whatever. Let me know if anyone is genuinely surprised."

    ReplyDelete
  2. There are lots of scenarios where it becomes an issue of survival still, without any option of self pride. My son's mother and I divorced over my gender identity choice. A choice made all the more imperative by both the diagnosis and treatment (which included hormones) for prostate cancer. At one point in our mostly reasonable divorce discussions, her lawyer raised the possibility of using my "new" gender identification as grounds for restricting access to my son in our custody negotiations. My own legal adviser stressed that such a disclosure in court could be easily construed as sexual perversion by commonly applied "community standards" of association, irrespective of any evidence (ie my psychiatrist or doctor) I might be able to present to the contrary.
    My current partner knew everything about my gender identity from day one. I really do sympathize with all of the anxiety and fear that goes with any alternative gender identification, having gone through it myself.

    But I've come to feel very strongly that secrecy and deception make any reasonable possibility of true self worth nearly impossible. What's the point of asking another to share your life when you know half of it will always remain hidden from them?

    It seems better to me to take the risk before all the emotion and energy is vested in what could possibly become for someone I feel I love, in the end only an illusion at best, or a deliberate deception at worse.

    I guess my thinking lately focuses alot on the necessity for TGs to forge some kind of accurate self image that can also be politically viable in securing the acceptance necessary to feel proud of who we are. I would rather such thinking was not necessary honestly for me personally. There's still alot of risk factors, economic, emotional and some even physical (like the threat of bodily harm). But thinking seems less and less avoidable if I'm every going to be proud of who I actually am.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pandora: I think the gossip would run for a bit, but people would get tired. After all, most folk are so wrapped up in their own lives to worry about ours.

    Emma: It is a risk isn't it. Tell your partner now and risk losing them straight away (albeit with 'honesty') or let them get to know you. How soon is too soon to tell I wonder?

    Talking of honesty... I thought I could keep it under wraps, but no. That didn't work. But hey, we've all been down that route haven't we? Let's move on. :)

    I agree with what you say about the secret. If you can't be honest with the one(s) you love, can you really be honest with yourself?

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's a difficult one. I have an agreement with my partner that we don't tell the children. However, I have said that if they ask me directly if I'm a trannie I will tell the truth.

    But lately it's irked me more and more that we lie (and it is a lie) about when I go away for the night (BNO whatever).

    I don't know if it's wrong, but i'm looking for opportunities to put the evidence under their noses. For example, last night I stubbed my toe very badly and I have a huge bruise now. Well, this morning talking to my youngest (15) I showed her the bruise. I did think about lifting my leg onto a stool so she could see my waxed leg but decided not to.

    And the other night I was uploading some new images onto Flickr and had a large image of myself on screen. My eldest daughter (17) walked in and I just carried on, she grabbed what she needed and went out again. I just thought well if you ask I'll tell you. I was actually thinking would she suss it was me.

    I suppose the point of this long ramble is that I'm comfortable with myself now and hate having to lie about what I'm doing. It's the only cloud in my TG sky right now.

    One last thing then I'll shut up. I certainly wouldn't say anything if I thought they wouldn't be OK with it, and so far I've been right about all my friends I have told so I'm fairly confident I've read my daughters right, but who know, eh? Sorry for going on.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rachel: I've that agreement too and I plan to sticking to it as best I can. If they (the kids) never knew, would there be any loss? I suppose the rub is the covering up over going out. As they get older, and no doubt more savvy, it'll get harder to cover up. People are curious and they love to know a secret. Course, ignorance is bliss as they say. :)

    With the images thing, I wonder if your daughter would look passed it? After all, why would her Dad be wearing a rather nice cocktail dress? :)

    ReplyDelete